"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

This is a song by Death Cab for Cutie. Lovely lyrics. Read on

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Entwined

When you held my hand
Our souls reached out
The stars threw spears
The tides refused to fall

I was your ace, you said
Tucked away in your sleeve
To be played at the right time
I lay in wait, alone, in vain

Days, weeks, months, years
All passed hidden in your sleeve
One day, along came a spider
The rain did not wash him away

Today I am left with nothing
Nothing but a memory
A memory of ten fingers
Entwined forever, in a hopeless wish

Behind Blue Eyes

Listened to this song after a long long time. Beautiful, moving song. Read on.


No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

And Fear Strikes Again

Welcome back Fear, my old friend
How I missed your pitiful company
I yearned for the times we locked our eyes
And partook of the pain that lay beneath

How I longed for the skies to darken
For acid rain to scar my skin
The purging of my mediocrity
Only possible when you come knocking

I crave the time when I was a stranger to you
When your ghastly tentacles hadn't gripped my soul
And damaged it forever; leaving it in shreds
Bleeding and stripped of all its pulchritude

I lie helpless, naked and cold
As the wind strikes my flesh, again and again
I lie hapless, naked and cold
Bearing you, Fear, a gift from my progenitor

A series of disjointed nonsensical limericks

There once lived a young boy
In whose life there was no joy
After much bawling
He found his calling
And dedicated his life to farming soy

There once lived a little jerk
Who fancied himself a turk
His opinions were too racial
Like a leper giving a facial
They just would never work

And on their travels they found
The Earth really was bloody round
They stood on the steeple
And watched all the people
And they dared not make a sound

They befriended a fiddler of yore
Who really was quite a bore
She was tarred and feathered
It left her oh so weathered
It became the stuff of lore

They traveled together as a trio
Arguing Kafka and singing Dio
The fiddler fancied the jerk
And the boy made it work
And they shortened her name to Cleo

And now we come to the end
Your ears to me did you lend
The trio lived happy
The jerk became a pappy
Even the boy found a girl to befriend
__________________________________________________________________

My apologies. The words just took shape. It was them damn aliens that made me do it.

N

The Sunlight In Her Hair

She sits in her corner, quiet, beautiful
Swathed in pink past compare
Singing to herself softly, sweetly
With the sunlight in her hair

She twirls in play a handful of locks
Her song lifted by her stare
Flashes of shapely feet I see
With the sunlight in her hair

Her song wavers a little bit
The notes quiver in the air
I rush forward to hold her
And the sunlight in her hair

Her song was a eulogy
Pure beauty, not simple fare
I kiss away the tears that shine
Like the sunlight in her hair

I place her feet on my lap
And caress the skin so fair
I stroke her face and try to catch
The sunlight in her hair

It doesn’t stay, the elusive sun
The skies are a red so rare
I ask the girl if she will be mine
And the sunlight in her hair

Ecclesiastic Rant

Unique we are, all of us
The paradox of our time
The void of life nudges us on
Everything is meaningless

We die from when we are
Ash to ash, dust to dust
The abyss of time engulfs us
Everything is meaningless

Life is built up into Ambrosia
In its pursuit we trudge on
Once there, "Now what?"
Everything is meaningless

Choosing our paths as we go
We seek profit and gain
Nothing is ever enough is it?
Everything is meaningless

What is real is here and now
But we want what could have been
The graven images of our past
Everything is meaningless

Time, distance, space, fate
Our excuses pointing to hope
A dionysian fantasy, this
Everything is meaningless

Toothless grins, lopsided stares
As we journey from legs to shoulders
The grave does not discriminate
Everything is meaningless

The meanings we seek from life
Lie on the way, not at the end
For after all, when you think of it,
Everything is meaningless

This, as you would probably have guessed by now, is my way of venting, ruminating and generally contemplating. So here goes.

1. I'm becoming a huge fan and practitioner of the Madurai dialect of Tamil. Enna Landha?

2. Life now has no particular direction. I need to focus on something soon.

3. My temper also needs to be fixed. It's not that I'm always angry, but I'm always simmering. And that is the first sign of a sociopath.

4. I'm bursting with ideas for so many things. Somehow having difficulty choosing and expressing them.

5. I am in love. And that's all I'll say.

6. I'm hoping and praying that the project I'm involved with takes off successfully. It will change my life forever, and give me peace. This, I'm sure of. Insha Allah.

7. I thought my emotions had frozen. Apparently they have not :P

8. I want a tattoo. Three tattoos actually. On my left arm, the sloka, "Yadha Yadha Hi dharmasya.......Sambhavami Yuge Yuge" in Sanskrit. On my right arm, "Anbe Sivam, Azhage Sivam, Arive Sivam" in Tamil and at the base of my neck, "Asatho Maa Sad Gamaya, Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya, Mrithyor Maa Amritham Gamaya" in Sanskrit.

9. I have to lose some weight. I've been putting it off for too long. That shall be fixed first.

10. I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss my team at Citi. I really do. Each and every one of those 15.

Thats all for now. Rant over, post over

From Hell

She stands across the street, laughing and talking
Her wares on display for everyone to see
The wine on her breath repels a few potentials
Someone mutters at her, "Domine dirige nos"

On this side of the street a man looks intently
Watching her as she invites and lures
With a crooked smile, he walks up to her
He whispers in her ear, and she bashfully grins

In the darkness of an alley not far away
Two were in the throes of passion - it seemed
She sees his pupils dilate, smells the laudanum
Before she can think, she feels the blade

In near darkness, we can hear metal slice flesh
We can hear his heartbeat, steady as a rock
As our vision clears, he stands and looks down
Down at his handiwork, at the art he has wrought

A splash of blood, a swirl of intestine
Blood spurts from the slash at her throat
Subcutaneous fat stains his perfect manicure
In his hands he holds her sweetbreads

Below the skin of history are London's veins
His rituals course with energy and meaning
He laughs at a private joke and thinks to himself,
"I have given birth to the 20th century"

Aham Brahmashmi

Standing at the banks of the Ganga
He surveys his grim surroundings
He catches sight of what he needs
The dopamine tickles his Aghori blood

Still as death he remains
As he wades into the Ganges
Immerses himself in her holy waters
And returns, carrying a corpse

He answers the call of the Wild Divine
The gravedwelling Lord, deity of ganja
He embraces the filth and decay
Knowing that it, too was beautiful

Deep in the forest, a fire burns
His hands play with a bone chillum
As he empties his cranial goblet
And takes his place as Bhairava

He seats himself calmly, royally
Upon the chest of his prize
With an offering to a deity he invokes
He proceeds to consume the beautiful flesh

It is over, the sacred ritual is done
Shava has at last become Shiva
He opens his eyes, red and fiery
Knowing the transcendence of his being

Slowly, but surely, I walk upto him
The trance enveloping my soul
I approach slowly and ask, "What are you?"
He smiles and says, "Aham Brahmashmi"

Om Namah Shivayah

What the F*&^?

I was thinking. No, it isn't a new habit I've picked up, it's a disease I was born with. I was thinking about things that make me want to say What the fuck to. You know, things that leave you dumbfounded, and not in a good way. So I'm going to just jot 10 of them down. If you empathise, please add to the list. Community healing is good :D

1. When a friend turns his/her back on you
2. When someone says you cut them off and then when you make the effort proceeds to do the same thing to you.
3. When you drive 50 kms in the dark on a bike with no headlights to make sure a friend is ok, and it is forgotten like it never happened.
4. When your parents just dont understand that the corporate life isn't for you
5. When you say the words "I love you" but you know you dont mean them.
6. When you go to school prepared for Geography but its actually History
7. When something as cheap and crude as money comes between to lives, tearing them apart.
8. When you do something stupid under the influence of alcohol. I know people like to act like they never have, but fuck you. You have. Maybe you hid it well, or you got lucky and nobody saw.
9. When you're sitting in the dark, just randomly thinking and some thoughts that you have buried, especially about a certain someone/something that you want to forget come zipping back and sting you.
10. When you see an 88 year old person take a lifetime prepaid connection :P

Cheers
N

2008 was a whirlwind. It began badly, got worse, then got better, stayed better and then went down a few notches. Last year, I thought things couldn't get worse. And then, Life proceeded to show me that I couldn't possibly have been more wrong. Ah well, c'est la vie I guess. But today something happened that gave me a lot of perspective and hope.

Every now and then, something happens that really blows your mind away. You do something that is completely unexpected. You call someone, expecting the cold shoulder. Instead, you receive warmth. You visit someone, expecting to be rebuffed. Instead, you are received with blessings.

When you least expect it, life hands you a good hand. This year for example. Just two days down, and my cards have improved. Drastically. Here's to more good things to come.

Game Theory

Good day, everyone. I'm Professor N (no, not Nash), and I'm here to present to you a case study on Game Theory. This is a 3 person game, and by nature, it is zero sum. First things first, lets understand a couple of things: (definitions courtesy wiki. too lazy to type. copy paste rules)

1. Game Theory - A branch of applied mathematics that attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual's success in making choices depends on the choices of others.

2. Zero Sum Game - A situation in which a participant's gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other participant(s). If the total gains of the participants are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will sum to zero.

Yes so now you have what you need for the moment.

Let us consider 3 participants in this game; X, Y and Z. It must be understood that X and Y are involved in a game of their own. Due to unavailability of data, I cannot tell you what the sum of their game is. It can be noted, however, that the unavailability of data can be attributed to the game under study.

X and Y had a great deal of interaction between them, independent of each one's interaction with Z, with varying degrees (not of freedom). This, by nature poses the possibility of two separate games influencing the aforementioned two separate games, making in all, 4. This implies, ceteris paribus, that the degrees (yes, of freedom) must therefore be, 3. Since that has no reference to this case, we shall abandon these said degrees of freedom, spurning them as we would spurn a rabid dog.

The existence of these separate games is of great significance. To understand, let us see the chain of events, starting, ever so obviously, from the beginning. X and Z also had a great deal of interaction between them, starting with the first time these two variables (read participants) came into contact on the same plane (Cartesian, to avoid confusion). However, since we know that the Butterfly Effect holds true in most cases, especially where it should not, certain small changes in the initial system involving X and Z caused their system to be non-robust, and hence, collapse. Although here, interestingly, what was affected was only the correlation and not the regression. Thus far, X and Z had been positively correlated. After and due to the system falling apart from the top, X and Z became negatively correlated. However, due to unavailability of data, and very honestly, fateful cockup, the regression equation never changed.

This means that apart from their negative correlation, the two mentioned variables possess covariance, thereby rendering them not completely independent of each other. Now let us let this be, and examine X and Y.

X and Y, as mentioned before, displayed characteristics of adhesion. The two variables were perfectly correlated. Again, fateful cockup and Edward Lorenz (through the butterfly effect) intervened, and their system lost credibility, though not robustness. The two variables remained suspended within the dynamics of their own cartesian plane. Interestingly and unexpectedly, Y wandered into the plane Z was on and interacted with said Z. Y and Z interacted mostly with decreasing degrees of freedom, since their plane merged and overlapped (merging and overlapping independently, of course) with the plane of X.

As is common with most assumptions, they are proved wrong. X and Y assumed their independance, but not counting on their covariance proved to be the undoing. X and Y found their balance, and their system was restored, eliminating the errors of the previous state. Utimately, X and Y became so closely correlated that their correlation went beyond perfect. The net result of this was that the system Y and Z had been in fell apart completely.

This leaves us with only two systems now, the debris of the aforementioned four. As can easily be seen, this is a zero sum game.

Now you have seen the case. IF you see a problem, give me the solution. Man I love professorial work :D

Shards of rain break down
As He walks his blistery path
His soles cracked and jagged
He stops for a drink of water

As he drinks, the water scars him
It leaves a line down his jugular
The scope of his defense leaves a mark
Ah, the blistering innocence

The glasspiece coursing thorugh veins
Mark its destination with suffering
Its movement traces an outline
A sihlouette carved out of wood

Motion if evanescent, ephemeral
The action outlives its intention
Movement embodies creation
And goes in hand with defeat

Neruda - Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her......(for you)
______________________________________________


If ever somebody could paint pain, this is it. Neruda, I salute you. And you....yes, you....this is for you.

Gaiman on Love

I came across this a while back, and remembered it today. I dont hate love, but am avoiding it for precisely these reasons. Bright side is, the description of love is so beautifully true. Read it I say...

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Gaiman is the man

Vayu

“Madame, bear in mind that princes govern all things--save the wind.” - Victor Hugo

---

She was young and beautiful, full of energy and true to her name. She was, in every way, the personification of wind. I say was, not is. “I am the wind”, she would say. And she was. She could not be tamed, like the element she was named after. She chose how she lived. She chose everything from her clothes to her mood. She was my everything. My Vayu. My sun rose and set in her. In her smile. In her eyes. At the end of a long, tiring day, all I needed to calm me down was 5 minutes on her lap. She chose everything. To my utter misfortune, she also chose when to die.

Vayu used to play with the neighborhood kids after she came back from work. Her long hair tossing about as she ran and jumped with them, laughing and gurgling like a newborn. Her glasses would keep flying off her face every time she furiously shook her head while arguing with them. 6-7 year olds. She became as young as them, my Vayu. I could stand watching her for hours. She doesn’t know this, and now she never will. She and I used to meet at a Barista close to where she went to college. We used to meet almost everyday. Whenever I got late, I always told her I was delayed somewhere. Truth is, I would be standing at the petrol bunk outside Barista, out of sight, staring at her. Something about her just made me…stare. I think it was her hair. Yes, I’m sure it was. As I was saying, I would stare at her for at least 15 minutes before I walked in; and give her some lame reason as to why I was late. I still go to Barista. Nobody to even glance at, unfortunately.

My Vayu had a terminal condition. Doctors gave her two months to live. Fighter that she was, she lasted 11. My Vayu was strong, make no mistake. I just wish she hadn’t made me that last promise. She held my hand and promised me she’d never let me go. That was the first time I broke down in front of her. My Vayu. She held my hand and said she’d always hold on that tight. I don’t blame her. She must’ve meant it at the time. Vayu never said things she didn’t mean. 3 days after she promised me, she died.

My mother taught me that nature could never be forced into action. I realized the truth – the harsh bitter truth – of that statement when Vayu went away. It is true. The wind can never be tamed. She lived as she pleased; and truth be told, I couldn’t think of a circumstance where she would have died as she didn’t please. My Vayu would have it no other way. I now realize that I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. And that destination is her. As I write these words, I sit with 56 sleeping tablets in my belly. The last year has been a constant struggle to exist. Nobody seems to understand my pain. They brush it aside as the melodrama of a man in bereavement. What they do not realize is that I without my Vayu was lost.

Vayu did things to me nobody else ever could. She behaved with me as the wind does. She blew out my candles and fanned my fires. Even now I can hear her gurgling, joyous laughter. My world was Vayu, and now, at last, in death, she and I will be one. For as the great man said, “What is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?” I correct the prophet and say that I will melt into my Vayu. Sleep calls, and I shall never wake up. I’m coming, Vayu. Into your hands, I give up my spirit.
____________________________________________________________________

This is my tribute to Old Love, which is a short story by Jeffrey Archer. It moved me so much that I had to write something very very close to my heart, and this is it.....

To the people

I was thinking about people other than my immediate family who have made a difference in my life. To me. Feeling very sentimental and all, so decided to get it out of my system by writing it down, in no particular order. Figure out these people if you can :P Muhahahahaha

1. To you, my best friend. You live in Mumbai now. We haven't been in continuous touch for over 5 years. Still, when we do catch up, its like I saw you yesterday. Like your name, you bring joy to my life, always.

2. To you, who instilled in me the love for movies. You are The Boss, the embodiment of Superstar. I worship you, and hope to direct you some day.

3. To you, who instilled in me a love for so many styles of music. You are the personification of music for me, and your gnaanam is unparalleled.

4. To you, a friend I met online, but later became chuddy-buddies with. All the drinks, the philosophies and the Hallelujah's....Life might have turned out very differently if you weren't in it.

5. To you, who taught me to love. And then to be a friend. You have made me a better person in many ways, and I love you.

6. To you, who taught me to reduce my melodrama. Who tries to teach me to sing :) Some day, I will prove to be a good pupil. Love you bro

7. To you, who has helped me unlock my creativity, and introduced me to the world of entertainment and Radio. Late night drives wont be the same without screaming at Parigi with you. Love you man

8. To you, my Zephyr. You changed my life, my lifestyle, my everything. You defined me, at a point in time, and in many ways, your traces remain. I could go on, but I'll reserve that for another day. Just know it's you and in some way I will always love you.

9. To you, my Sylvia Plath :P You have been a very unlikely friend, but I would have it no other way. Keep writing. I swear I will publish at least one of your books.

10. To you, my brother in Illinois. You and I have had one of the weirdest yet most fulfilling friendships I've ever known. Love you brother.

11. To you, my piloting friend. Who introduced me to the practicalities of life. I hope you get rid of all your puppy lowe and find true lowe :P :) :D

12. To you, my Sakkarakatti. You saved my life. When the wind deserted me, you showed me what was worth living for. We might have had our own petty fights and all, but you've been a great friend. Lets show the world the movies we make. Lets rock this joint.

13. To you, my Jumbonic friend :) You were there for me at a time when I needed sure footing. I love our work together, and dude, lets write that script man....

14. To you all, my Loyola and IFMR friends. Yes, even you with the horrible iyer tamil. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for having come into my life in some form or the other. I am what I am today because of you guys too.

15. To you, my darling who, dare i say, taught me about the philosophies of love.....May you forever be happy.


To all of you, I just want to say thanks. For everything. Since I believe in a God, I believe in his agents as well, and each and every one of you have been God's agents at some point in time or the other to me. You know who you are :)

Phew....Now that thats done, good night.

p.s: There are a few I've missed out....intentionally.....You will soon be acknowledged...... :)

Combined Effort

This is a dear friend and myself at an unearthly hour writing. We decided to leave it untitled as we "dont feel like we cna encompass it in a title. it shall be untitled"

On the iris of infinity
The Jester stands weeping
Sundials pelt him
Reminding him of
His evanescence
He smiles through the chipping plaster of his mask
The red paint cracking, peeling
As he folds down upon the ground, quietly kneeling
The moon shone
Merciless
Laughing now, refusing to come
Covering the land in silver blood
Tauntingly calling him
"Moonchild"
He brought the stars, the planets, ethereal and nebulous
But no moon, the sliver sheen eluding his fingers
Slipping through his soul as liquid glass
He ripped off his mask
As he heard the mandrake scream
He saw the ecclesiastic
The meaningless
And as he gazed and gazed
His myriad demons
Festering in his cherubic veneer emerged
A ghastly, peerless, kafkaesque beauty

Eloi, Eloi.....Lama Sabachthani

Wherefore art thou, my bird?
Thou didst call me to fly
When I could not, and
Mine wings were clipped

Thou dost little realise
My path and yours are one
The stars doth shed tears
At our anguish and pangs

Lucifer, as thou hurtled down
From thy seraphic abode
How didst thou feel?
Didth thou protest too much?

Why doth Venus amerce me so?
What hath been my crime
But to speak as she so bade me?
The bitterns doth loom on high

I claimeth not my innocence
Merely my right to the grail
Eloi Eloi, lama sabachthani
Thy woof doth destroy my tapestry

Herald Cherubim, as thou doth hark
I resonate the lower notes of thine song
In A Minor, I exist
The chord of sadness in the rapture