Random Musings - Sometimes, Love Just Isn't Enough

Deal with it. Sometimes love just isn't enough to sustain a relationship. Yes, it is the quintessential element in the fabulous cocktail that is a relationship, but thats the point. A relationship is like a cocktail. It needs an alcoholic base (read love) in order to be a cocktail. Otherwise, quite literally, it becomes a MOCKtail. However, all you romantics out there who believe that true love will save the day - WAKE UP!!!! The Eagles were wrong. Love will NOT keep you alive.

A relationship takes a lot of hard work for it to succeed. This is especially true for romantic relationships. It requires sacrifice. It requires compromise. It requires putting the other person in front of you. And most of all, it requires integrity of word and deed. I'm not much of a Gandhian, but that particular phrase - integrity of word and deed - I belive in. If you say something and do something else, the person you're talking to will feel lied to. There's a simple way around this. Its called empathising.

Most people get confused between empathising and sympathising. Lets go linguistically. Sympathy means "having a fellow feeling" or "affected by like feelings," from syn- "together" + pathos "feeling". Empathy, however, is very different. It comes from the translation of the German Einfühlung (from ein "in" + Fühlung "feeling"). It means actually feeling the other person's feelings - their hurt, pain, laughter, sorrow, et al.

Empathy is very important for any relationship to survive. The Good Book tells us to "Love thy neighbour as thyself", to "Judge not, lest thee be judged yourself" and to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Incidentally, the Gita also says these in more or less the same meter, tone and voice. In addition to the aforementioned, the two Books also tell us to forgive and forget. Now there, as the Bard will tell us, lies the rub.

Human beings do not know to forgive and forget. And yes, that includes all of us - yes, yes; Me too. We forgive, but seldom do we forget. This is the scourge of all relationships. When we get cross we dig up all our derogatory graves, and reopen the scabs that are healing with our words. And whoever said "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words cannot harm me" is a FOOL. So before we say what we say, I urge you.....stop for a minute and see whether you'd like to hear what you are about to say if it were being said to you. If you wouldn't, then dont say it.

By that I do not mean to say that we should sugar-coat everything, but as the Buddhha said, find that Golden Mean - the Divine Path. I also do not mean to say we must never say what we want to. Just say it in a pleasing way. Another thing we must do in a relationship is let the other person know what they mean to us, because if they dont, the relationship is dead to begin with. Imagine if you think the person means the world to you, but that person does not even know you care. Not very nice is it?

Here's another reason why relationships fail - LACK OF COMMUNICATION. The inability to communicate is also a detriment. And remember, communication is seriously damaged by non-integrity of word and deed. If your partner, or friend or boyfriend or husband or wife or mother or sister tells you something you did wrong, DO NOT get defensive. They're just venting their frustrations due to your behaviour. You might've been 100% right, but you cannot take away the importance of how they felt and what they felt. And remember this - people may forget what you said, when you said it or where, but they will never forget how they felt when you said it.

So talk to the people you're in a relationship with. There's no point trying to play the oneupmanship game. That helps in sports, and when you're a lawyer. In a relationship, you'll win the argument, but lose the relationship. An observation - non-integrity of word and deed can happen when you contradict yourself just because you want to have the last word in an argument; so beware of that.

If you weren't paying attention thus far, it's alright. But this is the most important part of what I have to say. Everything that was written above is far far easier said than done. Showing the other cheek, empathising; all these are good traits, but they are almost non-existent. So work hard on your relationships - because they're worth it. I know the feeling. I'm in a relationship thats worth every shred of effort involving everything I've written about. And it is by no means easy. Its a daily struggle, but thats the challenge, thats the voyage, thats the journey of love. Oh and last but not least, do yourself a favour and DO NOT ask an outside party for advice on your relationship unless things are way beyond repair (which they never will be if you simply empathise) or the person you are seeking advice from is a professional counsellor. This is simply because your friends will advise you in the way they see fit, and believe me - EVERYONE IS AN EXPERT ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S RELATIONSHIP. Their relationship is probably as screwed up as your own. So talk it out with your partner instead. It will be a wonderful learning experience. And here I use the word partner not as in romantically, but in any relationship because thats what a relationship is - a partnership.

In conclusion, I wish you all the very best in your relationships, and hope and pray that they will be as fruitful as they could ever be. I also pray that each of us will be able to practice what we preach - thats more for myself though :) - and that we will be able to empathise as well as we sympathise.

God Bless

N