When I needed you, you were there. Heck, you were there even when I didn't. I loved having you around. I loved being in your presence, basking in the warmth of you...of us. There was virtually nothing we couldn't accomplish...or so I thought. The fact is, I was insufferable. I had too many things going on in my life; too many choices too close together; and more importantly, too much to prove - and not in a good way. I know you might never understand this, but I did.
When people reach crossroads in life, they choose what they see as fit for themselves. They might extend that choice to include people on their priority lists. Sometimes, that list isn't filled right. I wanted to please the wrong people at the wrong time. I guess that's what we couldn't overcome - my need to be liked. My need to be universally liked. And this is the irony of life - not only wasn't I universally liked, but that stupid need cost me you. You and I were no longer us.
As time passed after we parted ways, we still kept floating in and out of each others' lives in varying capacities of acquaintance. But it was never the same was it? We weren't friends anymore. We were competitors of sorts at this point. We were out to prove to each other that we were better off without each other. We both went at it, didn't we? Like children in a mudfight. And then, everything ended.
You know it's a funny thing. No matter how intense the feeling; how seething the anger; how deep the sorrow; it all goes away given enough time. And that's what happened to us. We moved on with our lives. We moved into other lives. We were hurt again.We moved on again, and time, as always, ticked every tock and carried us forward. And so we remained, unwilling to make a connection. I tried. You know I tried. Alas, to no avail.
In the recent past, I have found myself changing. I have digged and seen parts of me that I prided in the past, but disgust me now. I cannot believe that I was the person who did and said those things - especially to you. Truth be told, I wish I were half the man then that I am now. And the irony is that even if I were, I cannot take back or change anything. I have accepted that. What I cannot bring myself to accept is that we are not friends. We can be.
Delve within, and you will see what I said is true. It does not matter what we did in the past. it does not matter who's fault it is. I know as well as you do the parts we both played in the fiasco of us. I am nobody to say anything about right or wrong. It would suffice to say that we both did what we thought was right at the time. I don't expect this to make anything right. If you see this, and I hope you do, all I want you to understand is that I wish you well, hope you get everything that is good and pure in this life, and feel nothing but a deep love for you. There is nothing I wish to change. Que Sera, Sera.
Love always,
N
Jigsaw
Thursday, April 22, 2010
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