Learning To Live

Requiem for a Friend long lost

2010-04-22T04:25:00.000-07:00

When I needed you, you were there. Heck, you were there even when I didn't. I loved having you around. I loved being in your presence, basking in the warmth of you...of us. There was virtually nothing we couldn't accomplish...or so I thought. The fact is, I was insufferable. I had too many things going on in my life; too many choices too close together; and more importantly, too much to prove - and not in a good way. I know you might never understand this, but I did.

When people reach crossroads in life, they choose what they see as fit for themselves. They might extend that choice to include people on their priority lists. Sometimes, that list isn't filled right. I wanted to please the wrong people at the wrong time. I guess that's what we couldn't overcome - my need to be liked. My need to be universally liked. And this is the irony of life - not only wasn't I universally liked, but that stupid need cost me you. You and I were no longer us.

As time passed after we parted ways, we still kept floating in and out of each others' lives in varying capacities of acquaintance. But it was never the same was it? We weren't friends anymore. We were competitors of sorts at this point. We were out to prove to each other that we were better off without each other. We both went at it, didn't we? Like children in a mudfight. And then, everything ended.

You know it's a funny thing. No matter how intense the feeling; how seething the anger; how deep the sorrow; it all goes away given enough time. And that's what happened to us. We moved on with our lives. We moved into other lives. We were hurt again.We moved on again, and time, as always, ticked every tock and carried us forward. And so we remained, unwilling to make a connection. I tried. You know I tried. Alas, to no avail.

In the recent past, I have found myself changing. I have digged and seen parts of me that I prided in the past, but disgust me now. I cannot believe that I was the person who did and said those things - especially to you. Truth be told, I wish I were half the man then that I am now. And the irony is that even if I were, I cannot take back or change anything. I have accepted that. What I cannot bring myself to accept is that we are not friends. We can be.

Delve within, and you will see what I said is true. It does not matter what we did in the past. it does not matter who's fault it is. I know as well as you do the parts we both played in the fiasco of us. I am nobody to say anything about right or wrong. It would suffice to say that we both did what we thought was right at the time. I don't expect this to make anything right. If you see this, and I hope you do, all I want you to understand is that I wish you well, hope you get everything that is good and pure in this life, and feel nothing but a deep love for you. There is nothing I wish to change. Que Sera, Sera.

Love always,
N

2010-02-09T10:17:00.000-08:00

If I had but an hour of love

If that be all that is given me

An hour of love upon this earth,
I would give my love to thee

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

2009-11-28T23:28:00.000-08:00

This is a song by Death Cab for Cutie. Lovely lyrics. Read on

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Entwined

2009-07-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

When you held my hand
Our souls reached out
The stars threw spears
The tides refused to fall

I was your ace, you said
Tucked away in your sleeve
To be played at the right time
I lay in wait, alone, in vain

Days, weeks, months, years
All passed hidden in your sleeve
One day, along came a spider
The rain did not wash him away

Today I am left with nothing
Nothing but a memory
A memory of ten fingers
Entwined forever, in a hopeless wish

Behind Blue Eyes

2009-07-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

Listened to this song after a long long time. Beautiful, moving song. Read on.

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

And Fear Strikes Again

2009-05-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

Welcome back Fear, my old friend
How I missed your pitiful company
I yearned for the times we locked our eyes
And partook of the pain that lay beneath

How I longed for the skies to darken
For acid rain to scar my skin
The purging of my mediocrity
Only possible when you come knocking

I crave the time when I was a stranger to you
When your ghastly tentacles hadn't gripped my soul
And damaged it forever; leaving it in shreds
Bleeding and stripped of all its pulchritude

I lie helpless, naked and cold
As the wind strikes my flesh, again and again
I lie hapless, naked and cold
Bearing you, Fear, a gift from my progenitor

A series of disjointed nonsensical limericks

2009-05-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

There once lived a young boy
In whose life there was no joy
After much bawling
He found his calling
And dedicated his life to farming soy

There once lived a little jerk
Who fancied himself a turk
His opinions were too racial
Like a leper giving a facial
They just would never work

And on their travels they found
The Earth really was bloody round
They stood on the steeple
And watched all the people
And they dared not make a sound

They befriended a fiddler of yore
Who really was quite a bore
She was tarred and feathered
It left her oh so weathered
It became the stuff of lore

They traveled together as a trio
Arguing Kafka and singing Dio
The fiddler fancied the jerk
And the boy made it work
And they shortened her name to Cleo

And now we come to the end
Your ears to me did you lend
The trio lived happy
The jerk became a pappy
Even the boy found a girl to befriend
__________________________________________________________________

My apologies. The words just took shape. It was them damn aliens that made me do it.

N

The Sunlight In Her Hair

2009-03-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

She sits in her corner, quiet, beautiful
Swathed in pink past compare
Singing to herself softly, sweetly
With the sunlight in her hair

She twirls in play a handful of locks
Her song lifted by her stare
Flashes of shapely feet I see
With the sunlight in her hair

Her song wavers a little bit
The notes quiver in the air
I rush forward to hold her
And the sunlight in her hair

Her song was a eulogy
Pure beauty, not simple fare
I kiss away the tears that shine
Like the sunlight in her hair

I place her feet on my lap
And caress the skin so fair
I stroke her face and try to catch
The sunlight in her hair

It doesn’t stay, the elusive sun
The skies are a red so rare
I ask the girl if she will be mine
And the sunlight in her hair

Ecclesiastic Rant

2009-03-14T15:24:00.000-07:00

Unique we are, all of us
The paradox of our time
The void of life nudges us on
Everything is meaningless

We die from when we are
Ash to ash, dust to dust
The abyss of time engulfs us
Everything is meaningless

Life is built up into Ambrosia
In its pursuit we trudge on
Once there, "Now what?"
Everything is meaningless

Choosing our paths as we go
We seek profit and gain
Nothing is ever enough is it?
Everything is meaningless

What is real is here and now
But we want what could have been
The graven images of our past
Everything is meaningless

Time, distance, space, fate
Our excuses pointing to hope
A dionysian fantasy, this
Everything is meaningless

Toothless grins, lopsided stares
As we journey from legs to shoulders
The grave does not discriminate
Everything is meaningless

The meanings we seek from life
Lie on the way, not at the end
For after all, when you think of it,
Everything is meaningless

2009-02-24T13:02:00.000-08:00

This, as you would probably have guessed by now, is my way of venting, ruminating and generally contemplating. So here goes.

1. I'm becoming a huge fan and practitioner of the Madurai dialect of Tamil. Enna Landha?

2. Life now has no particular direction. I need to focus on something soon.

3. My temper also needs to be fixed. It's not that I'm always angry, but I'm always simmering. And that is the first sign of a sociopath.

4. I'm bursting with ideas for so many things. Somehow having difficulty choosing and expressing them.

5. I am in love. And that's all I'll say.

6. I'm hoping and praying that the project I'm involved with takes off successfully. It will change my life forever, and give me peace. This, I'm sure of. Insha Allah.

7. I thought my emotions had frozen. Apparently they have not :P

8. I want a tattoo. Three tattoos actually. On my left arm, the sloka, "Yadha Yadha Hi dharmasya.......Sambhavami Yuge Yuge" in Sanskrit. On my right arm, "Anbe Sivam, Azhage Sivam, Arive Sivam" in Tamil and at the base of my neck, "Asatho Maa Sad Gamaya, Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya, Mrithyor Maa Amritham Gamaya" in Sanskrit.

9. I have to lose some weight. I've been putting it off for too long. That shall be fixed first.

10. I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss my team at Citi. I really do. Each and every one of those 15.

Thats all for now. Rant over, post over

From Hell

2009-02-17T10:58:00.000-08:00

She stands across the street, laughing and talking
Her wares on display for everyone to see
The wine on her breath repels a few potentials
Someone mutters at her, "Domine dirige nos"

On this side of the street a man looks intently
Watching her as she invites and lures
With a crooked smile, he walks up to her
He whispers in her ear, and she bashfully grins

In the darkness of an alley not far away
Two were in the throes of passion - it seemed
She sees his pupils dilate, smells the laudanum
Before she can think, she feels the blade

In near darkness, we can hear metal slice flesh
We can hear his heartbeat, steady as a rock
As our vision clears, he stands and looks down
Down at his handiwork, at the art he has wrought

A splash of blood, a swirl of intestine
Blood spurts from the slash at her throat
Subcutaneous fat stains his perfect manicure
In his hands he holds her sweetbreads

Below the skin of history are London's veins
His rituals course with energy and meaning
He laughs at a private joke and thinks to himself,
"I have given birth to the 20th century"

Aham Brahmashmi

2009-01-13T03:15:00.000-08:00

Standing at the banks of the Ganga
He surveys his grim surroundings
He catches sight of what he needs
The dopamine tickles his Aghori blood

Still as death he remains
As he wades into the Ganges
Immerses himself in her holy waters
And returns, carrying a corpse

He answers the call of the Wild Divine
The gravedwelling Lord, deity of ganja
He embraces the filth and decay
Knowing that it, too was beautiful

Deep in the forest, a fire burns
His hands play with a bone chillum
As he empties his cranial goblet
And takes his place as Bhairava

He seats himself calmly, royally
Upon the chest of his prize
With an offering to a deity he invokes
He proceeds to consume the beautiful flesh

It is over, the sacred ritual is done
Shava has at last become Shiva
He opens his eyes, red and fiery
Knowing the transcendence of his being

Slowly, but surely, I walk upto him
The trance enveloping my soul
I approach slowly and ask, "What are you?"
He smiles and says, "Aham Brahmashmi"

Om Namah Shivayah

What the F*&^?

2009-01-08T02:41:00.000-08:00

I was thinking. No, it isn't a new habit I've picked up, it's a disease I was born with. I was thinking about things that make me want to say What the fuck to. You know, things that leave you dumbfounded, and not in a good way. So I'm going to just jot 10 of them down. If you empathise, please add to the list. Community healing is good :D

1. When a friend turns his/her back on you
2. When someone says you cut them off and then when you make the effort proceeds to do the same thing to you.
3. When you drive 50 kms in the dark on a bike with no headlights to make sure a friend is ok, and it is forgotten like it never happened.
4. When your parents just dont understand that the corporate life isn't for you
5. When you say the words "I love you" but you know you dont mean them.
6. When you go to school prepared for Geography but its actually History
7. When something as cheap and crude as money comes between to lives, tearing them apart.
8. When you do something stupid under the influence of alcohol. I know people like to act like they never have, but fuck you. You have. Maybe you hid it well, or you got lucky and nobody saw.
9. When you're sitting in the dark, just randomly thinking and some thoughts that you have buried, especially about a certain someone/something that you want to forget come zipping back and sting you.
10. When you see an 88 year old person take a lifetime prepaid connection :P

Cheers
N

2009-01-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

2008 was a whirlwind. It began badly, got worse, then got better, stayed better and then went down a few notches. Last year, I thought things couldn't get worse. And then, Life proceeded to show me that I couldn't possibly have been more wrong. Ah well, c'est la vie I guess. But today something happened that gave me a lot of perspective and hope.

Every now and then, something happens that really blows your mind away. You do something that is completely unexpected. You call someone, expecting the cold shoulder. Instead, you receive warmth. You visit someone, expecting to be rebuffed. Instead, you are received with blessings.

When you least expect it, life hands you a good hand. This year for example. Just two days down, and my cards have improved. Drastically. Here's to more good things to come.

Game Theory

2008-12-25T23:13:00.000-08:00

Good day, everyone. I'm Professor N (no, not Nash), and I'm here to present to you a case study on Game Theory. This is a 3 person game, and by nature, it is zero sum. First things first, lets understand a couple of things: (definitions courtesy wiki. too lazy to type. copy paste rules)

1. Game Theory - A branch of applied mathematics that attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual's success in making choices depends on the choices of others.

2. Zero Sum Game - A situation in which a participant's gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other participant(s). If the total gains of the participants are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will sum to zero.

Yes so now you have what you need for the moment.

Let us consider 3 participants in this game; X, Y and Z. It must be understood that X and Y are involved in a game of their own. Due to unavailability of data, I cannot tell you what the sum of their game is. It can be noted, however, that the unavailability of data can be attributed to the game under study.

X and Y had a great deal of interaction between them, independent of each one's interaction with Z, with varying degrees (not of freedom). This, by nature poses the possibility of two separate games influencing the aforementioned two separate games, making in all, 4. This implies, ceteris paribus, that the degrees (yes, of freedom) must therefore be, 3. Since that has no reference to this case, we shall abandon these said degrees of freedom, spurning them as we would spurn a rabid dog.

The existence of these separate games is of great significance. To understand, let us see the chain of events, starting, ever so obviously, from the beginning. X and Z also had a great deal of interaction between them, starting with the first time these two variables (read participants) came into contact on the same plane (Cartesian, to avoid confusion). However, since we know that the Butterfly Effect holds true in most cases, especially where it should not, certain small changes in the initial system involving X and Z caused their system to be non-robust, and hence, collapse. Although here, interestingly, what was affected was only the correlation and not the regression. Thus far, X and Z had been positively correlated. After and due to the system falling apart from the top, X and Z became negatively correlated. However, due to unavailability of data, and very honestly, fateful cockup, the regression equation never changed.

This means that apart from their negative correlation, the two mentioned variables possess covariance, thereby rendering them not completely independent of each other. Now let us let this be, and examine X and Y.

X and Y, as mentioned before, displayed characteristics of adhesion. The two variables were perfectly correlated. Again, fateful cockup and Edward Lorenz (through the butterfly effect) intervened, and their system lost credibility, though not robustness. The two variables remained suspended within the dynamics of their own cartesian plane. Interestingly and unexpectedly, Y wandered into the plane Z was on and interacted with said Z. Y and Z interacted mostly with decreasing degrees of freedom, since their plane merged and overlapped (merging and overlapping independently, of course) with the plane of X.

As is common with most assumptions, they are proved wrong. X and Y assumed their independance, but not counting on their covariance proved to be the undoing. X and Y found their balance, and their system was restored, eliminating the errors of the previous state. Utimately, X and Y became so closely correlated that their correlation went beyond perfect. The net result of this was that the system Y and Z had been in fell apart completely.

This leaves us with only two systems now, the debris of the aforementioned four. As can easily be seen, this is a zero sum game.

Now you have seen the case. IF you see a problem, give me the solution. Man I love professorial work :D

2008-12-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

Shards of rain break down
As He walks his blistery path
His soles cracked and jagged
He stops for a drink of water

As he drinks, the water scars him
It leaves a line down his jugular
The scope of his defense leaves a mark
Ah, the blistering innocence

The glasspiece coursing thorugh veins
Mark its destination with suffering
Its movement traces an outline
A sihlouette carved out of wood

Motion if evanescent, ephemeral
The action outlives its intention
Movement embodies creation
And goes in hand with defeat

Neruda - Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines

2008-12-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her......(for you)
______________________________________________

If ever somebody could paint pain, this is it. Neruda, I salute you. And you....yes, you....this is for you.

Gaiman on Love

2008-12-02T14:00:00.001-08:00

I came across this a while back, and remembered it today. I dont hate love, but am avoiding it for precisely these reasons. Bright side is, the description of love is so beautifully true. Read it I say...

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Gaiman is the man

Vayu

2008-11-02T10:11:00.000-08:00

“Madame, bear in mind that princes govern all things--save the wind.” - Victor Hugo

---

She was young and beautiful, full of energy and true to her name. She was, in every way, the personification of wind. I say was, not is. “I am the wind”, she would say. And she was. She could not be tamed, like the element she was named after. She chose how she lived. She chose everything from her clothes to her mood. She was my everything. My Vayu. My sun rose and set in her. In her smile. In her eyes. At the end of a long, tiring day, all I needed to calm me down was 5 minutes on her lap. She chose everything. To my utter misfortune, she also chose when to die.

Vayu used to play with the neighborhood kids after she came back from work. Her long hair tossing about as she ran and jumped with them, laughing and gurgling like a newborn. Her glasses would keep flying off her face every time she furiously shook her head while arguing with them. 6-7 year olds. She became as young as them, my Vayu. I could stand watching her for hours. She doesn’t know this, and now she never will. She and I used to meet at a Barista close to where she went to college. We used to meet almost everyday. Whenever I got late, I always told her I was delayed somewhere. Truth is, I would be standing at the petrol bunk outside Barista, out of sight, staring at her. Something about her just made me…stare. I think it was her hair. Yes, I’m sure it was. As I was saying, I would stare at her for at least 15 minutes before I walked in; and give her some lame reason as to why I was late. I still go to Barista. Nobody to even glance at, unfortunately.

My Vayu had a terminal condition. Doctors gave her two months to live. Fighter that she was, she lasted 11. My Vayu was strong, make no mistake. I just wish she hadn’t made me that last promise. She held my hand and promised me she’d never let me go. That was the first time I broke down in front of her. My Vayu. She held my hand and said she’d always hold on that tight. I don’t blame her. She must’ve meant it at the time. Vayu never said things she didn’t mean. 3 days after she promised me, she died.

My mother taught me that nature could never be forced into action. I realized the truth – the harsh bitter truth – of that statement when Vayu went away. It is true. The wind can never be tamed. She lived as she pleased; and truth be told, I couldn’t think of a circumstance where she would have died as she didn’t please. My Vayu would have it no other way. I now realize that I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. And that destination is her. As I write these words, I sit with 56 sleeping tablets in my belly. The last year has been a constant struggle to exist. Nobody seems to understand my pain. They brush it aside as the melodrama of a man in bereavement. What they do not realize is that I without my Vayu was lost.

Vayu did things to me nobody else ever could. She behaved with me as the wind does. She blew out my candles and fanned my fires. Even now I can hear her gurgling, joyous laughter. My world was Vayu, and now, at last, in death, she and I will be one. For as the great man said, “What is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?” I correct the prophet and say that I will melt into my Vayu. Sleep calls, and I shall never wake up. I’m coming, Vayu. Into your hands, I give up my spirit.
____________________________________________________________________

This is my tribute to Old Love, which is a short story by Jeffrey Archer. It moved me so much that I had to write something very very close to my heart, and this is it.....

To the people

2008-10-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about people other than my immediate family who have made a difference in my life. To me. Feeling very sentimental and all, so decided to get it out of my system by writing it down, in no particular order. Figure out these people if you can :P Muhahahahaha

1. To you, my best friend. You live in Mumbai now. We haven't been in continuous touch for over 5 years. Still, when we do catch up, its like I saw you yesterday. Like your name, you bring joy to my life, always.

2. To you, who instilled in me the love for movies. You are The Boss, the embodiment of Superstar. I worship you, and hope to direct you some day.

3. To you, who instilled in me a love for so many styles of music. You are the personification of music for me, and your gnaanam is unparalleled.

4. To you, a friend I met online, but later became chuddy-buddies with. All the drinks, the philosophies and the Hallelujah's....Life might have turned out very differently if you weren't in it.

5. To you, who taught me to love. And then to be a friend. You have made me a better person in many ways, and I love you.

6. To you, who taught me to reduce my melodrama. Who tries to teach me to sing :) Some day, I will prove to be a good pupil. Love you bro

7. To you, who has helped me unlock my creativity, and introduced me to the world of entertainment and Radio. Late night drives wont be the same without screaming at Parigi with you. Love you man

8. To you, my Zephyr. You changed my life, my lifestyle, my everything. You defined me, at a point in time, and in many ways, your traces remain. I could go on, but I'll reserve that for another day. Just know it's you and in some way I will always love you.

9. To you, my Sylvia Plath :P You have been a very unlikely friend, but I would have it no other way. Keep writing. I swear I will publish at least one of your books.

10. To you, my brother in Illinois. You and I have had one of the weirdest yet most fulfilling friendships I've ever known. Love you brother.

11. To you, my piloting friend. Who introduced me to the practicalities of life. I hope you get rid of all your puppy lowe and find true lowe :P :) :D

12. To you, my Sakkarakatti. You saved my life. When the wind deserted me, you showed me what was worth living for. We might have had our own petty fights and all, but you've been a great friend. Lets show the world the movies we make. Lets rock this joint.

13. To you, my Jumbonic friend :) You were there for me at a time when I needed sure footing. I love our work together, and dude, lets write that script man....

14. To you all, my Loyola and IFMR friends. Yes, even you with the horrible iyer tamil. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for having come into my life in some form or the other. I am what I am today because of you guys too.

15. To you, my darling who, dare i say, taught me about the philosophies of love.....May you forever be happy.

To all of you, I just want to say thanks. For everything. Since I believe in a God, I believe in his agents as well, and each and every one of you have been God's agents at some point in time or the other to me. You know who you are :)

Phew....Now that thats done, good night.

p.s: There are a few I've missed out....intentionally.....You will soon be acknowledged...... :)

Combined Effort

2008-10-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

This is a dear friend and myself at an unearthly hour writing. We decided to leave it untitled as we "dont feel like we cna encompass it in a title. it shall be untitled"

On the iris of infinity
The Jester stands weeping
Sundials pelt him
Reminding him of
His evanescence
He smiles through the chipping plaster of his mask
The red paint cracking, peeling
As he folds down upon the ground, quietly kneeling
The moon shone
Merciless
Laughing now, refusing to come
Covering the land in silver blood
Tauntingly calling him
"Moonchild"
He brought the stars, the planets, ethereal and nebulous
But no moon, the sliver sheen eluding his fingers
Slipping through his soul as liquid glass
He ripped off his mask
As he heard the mandrake scream
He saw the ecclesiastic
The meaningless
And as he gazed and gazed
His myriad demons
Festering in his cherubic veneer emerged
A ghastly, peerless, kafkaesque beauty

Eloi, Eloi.....Lama Sabachthani

2008-06-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

Wherefore art thou, my bird?
Thou didst call me to fly
When I could not, and
Mine wings were clipped

Thou dost little realise
My path and yours are one
The stars doth shed tears
At our anguish and pangs

Lucifer, as thou hurtled down
From thy seraphic abode
How didst thou feel?
Didth thou protest too much?

Why doth Venus amerce me so?
What hath been my crime
But to speak as she so bade me?
The bitterns doth loom on high

I claimeth not my innocence
Merely my right to the grail
Eloi Eloi, lama sabachthani
Thy woof doth destroy my tapestry

Herald Cherubim, as thou doth hark
I resonate the lower notes of thine song
In A Minor, I exist
The chord of sadness in the rapture

Tears in the Rain

2008-04-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

He stood, motionless. His tears mixing with the rain as it fell, almost as if the heavens were sad for him. She had gotten into her car and left. For good. “I cant see you anymore, Shiva”, she had said. “We’ve got to cut our losses and move on.” She spoke in the language of business. He forgot how much he loved hearing her talk like that. Now all that remained was a deep sense of loss. Of hurt. Of resentment…… and he stood, too numb to think.

He was a brave man. All his life he lived fearless and free. But now. Now he began questioning the roots of that feeling. He closed his eyes and remembered. Remembered the conversations. The dances. The kisses. He remembered how good it all had felt. And now this. He was a devout person. He always believed that the god he prayed to – the god that bore his name – would not let him down. Now he felt like an idiot for believing. He tried rationalizing. She and he were from radically different worlds. The worlds had clashed, somehow and she chose to cut and run. He couldn’t blame her. Nor could she blame him.

But now, standing there in the rain, nothing mattered. She had gone, he was back to lonely, and life seemed to stand still. And he, like his tears, were lost in the rain.

The Visionary

2008-04-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

In a room of pure white
There was a corner of scarlet
Crimson shards of pulchritude
Dripping down from the body above
Creating an inferno in heaven

Bathing in the red, he saw eternal light
The acidic taste arousing him
Lust is wild, coupled with blood
That tastes like souls dipped in wine
Ah, the intoxicating bliss of power

He picks up his bag, looks around intently
Studying the whiteness of the proximity
Enough, he decides. Enough now
He had cleansed this place enough
He moves on, more cities await
__________________________________________________________
Figure this one out :) I write what I see. Don't hold that against me

N

The Image

2008-03-24T14:47:00.000-07:00

We hold on to images
Dark and bright
Seemingly unreal
They tend to suffice

They make up for what we dont have
They give us hope
Comfort
Peace

Sometimes it is better
To let go of the images
Than tarnish them
With the soot that is reality

A man and a woman
At the beach watching the sunrise
She lying on his lap
Their son on her stomach

It's gone.

Song of the Heart

2008-03-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

I stand at the edge of the river. A Godess comes out of the water and stands just outside my reach. When I stretch my hands to touch, I find I cant reach her, because my hands are chained. The chains are barbed. So the more I struggle, the more I bleed. The more I bleed, the more it hurts and the more I want her comfort. And I strugle to reach her even further. Slash and cut go hand in hand. I can feel the blood. I crave her. I need her. As my heart keeps pumping blood, I pray that I can touch the Godess so my heart can finally sing its song. And then........

And then the chains fall off. The Godess runs away when she realises I can actually reach her. I look at her, running away into the distance, with a deep sadness in my heart, and pain at my arms. Particularly my wrists. And then.....

And then I turn around and see everyone who loves me, and cares for me. And it's a sizeable number. I see a friend who had loosened my chains. I see other friends bringing me bandages and first aid. I see my brother getting up from praying for me. I see my parents crying tears of joy that I'm alright. I see a statue of Lord Shiva that I had missed completely although It stood so close to me at that riverbank. My closest friends encircle me and group-hug me, telling me that everything will be alright. And suddenly, my heart begins to sing.......and it doesn't stop.

Thennaadudaya Sivane Pottri

N

The Guitar and the Glasses

2008-03-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

This is something that I wrote on a piece of paper on Diwali day in 2007. I found it, and decided to put it up here. Read on.....

"The guitar. It's driving me mad. I look at it, and I remember the slender fingers that used to hold it. I look at it, and remember the tips of those fingers caressing my face. The guitar. It's all there. The wood, the finish, the strings, the frets. It's all there, but she isn't. The music from the guitar reminds me of times and songs I played for her. Even the music remains, but she's gone. In a vain attempt to numb the pain, I hug the guitar and go to sleep. It does not help. I wake up with a cut on my forehead, but not feeling the pain; as it is attenuated by the bleeding in my heart. And it's not just that guitar, or guitars in general. It's glasses. Every time I look at a pair of glasses I remember hers. I remember the time I broke it while we were together at a friend's place. I remember those lovely eyes that used to look through them to look at me. The eyes that shed tears that would stain the edges of those glasses, and flow down her cheeks, waiting for me to wipe them away. The tears that somehow called their kin from my eyes to fall with them. Guitars and glasses. They ruin me."

N

2008-03-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

Dancing in her orb, she mocks me
Knowing that I dread to break the glass
The sight of her stuns me to silence
Suffering is my only respite

I feel like taking a drill and using it
My cranium craves air supply
Only then will her thoughts go away
Only then will there be silence

How long will you mock me, girl?
In your glass world, all seems well
There will come a time when my due is paid
Not in cash, or kind, or suffering

But with love

For that day
I wait
My heart
Forever belonging to you.

This is either one of my worst or one of my best. Deal with it.

N

Questions

2008-03-05T00:56:00.000-08:00

I just have a few questions to ask. I'm asking them to myself, you, and the rest of the world.

1. Are laughter and happiness the same?
2. Is there ever a truly selfless act?
3. When things go bad, are you the type that cuts and runs or are you the type that has the balls to stand and work it out?
4. When will we ever learn what love is?
5. Why do the nice guys always finish last?
6. Why do some tears come irrespective of how long it has been since that which we are crying for came to pass?
7. Why do human beings have an innate need to control their surroundings?
8. If there really was a completely selfless act, is it worth performing it?
9. When we introspect, will we find that we are all fundamentally flawed, or will we find that we were fundamentally perfect, but lost our way somewhere in life?
10. Does love ever really come to an end?
11. Why do people take love so much for granted?
12. When we meet new friends, why do we tend to forget the old ones?
13. Is there any humanity left in the world?
14. Where is the rhyme in our reason?
15. Why is it so easy for us to advise, but so difficult to empathise?
16. Why is man the only animal that kills for reasons other than mate, food and territory?

When I think of the possible answers, I feel queasy. What is it exactly that separates us from our animal counterparts? Why are we considered the smartest animals on the planet? Shouldn't we have figured all this out by now?

Signing off in deep contemplation,
N

Hallelujah

2008-02-14T00:46:00.000-08:00

This song is a song that makes me bawl my eyes out every time I listen to it. I dont know why it does that to me, but it does. One of my friends told me that if there is a way to paint pain, it would be with this song. I couldn't agree more. Read on:

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you dont really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To her kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Try listening to the song. Either Leonard Cohen or Jeff Buckley. I can't type any more. Tearing up already.

N

Tandavam

2008-01-20T14:33:00.000-08:00

They sat together, completely at peace
When she expressed her desire
Her father's sacrifice required her presence, She said
He would not go, because He was unwanted

Her father hated him, Dweller of graveyards
Did not share the love millions had for Him
And she had her father's temper
She too, was like Him - an untameable force

He told her not to go, forbade it completely
But she wouldn't listen
He told her if she left, she couldn't come back
Still, she went

Soon after, He heard of her gruesome fate
She had let the fire consume her
He did not know how to react, what to feel
Love, Anger, Hate, Remorse or Grief

He went and saw her body
Half mutilated, and still full of the beauty He adored
He carried her, and waves of emotion swept over Him
The sight of His corpse bride unleashed within Him a primeval rage

He began dancing, and Dance became Rage
Dance became Rage and Rage became Dance
His lifeless wife in His arms, He danced
Until the world began to fear

None could stop Him; stop the fury He unleashed
In His Rage, in His Grief, In His Love
He had told her; hadn't He told her?
He wished He had never forbidden her at all

His mind transcended levels hitherto unknown
Planes where Fear was nothing, and Rage, everything
He embodied Rage, consummating its marriage with Love
Dancing, feeling, destroying

Somehow, this feels complete.

Thennadudaya Sivane Pottri

Next Set

2008-01-15T22:24:00.000-08:00

1. Some people have no clue what they want.
2. When I think of the way I was many years ago, I feel pukish at what I was a few months ago.
3. But now, I'm Back.
4. I have decided to defer my thriller for a while, and work on a commercial script.
5. I'm not so sure that so-called morals have helped me achieve anything I have in this life.
6. Porcupine Tree is a band that SoundScape must cover.
7. Of course, I miss her. But I also have my self respect, and will not tolerate its violation anymore.
8. When people forget where they come from, it hurts the people from their past very much, because they have cut these people out of their lives for their own convenience.
9. Work is a good excuse to get out of anything, including dates :)
10. I live and let live. I expect the same courtesy from people. If I am denied that courtesy, it's only a matter of time before I lash out. When I do, it's going to be ugly.
11. I had the most amazing spiritual experience at the Mahalingapuram Shiva Temple last evening. I went there with a friend. Thank God she took me there.
12. "I do not die because beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof" - V as in V for Vendetta
13. "There are no perfect marriages, Naveen. There are only forgiving marriages" - My Mother
14. "I know you are here to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man" - Che Guevara
15. It's amazing how people think Che was communist. The idiots.
16. "I, like God, do not play with dice and I don't believe in coincidences" - V again
17. Sex and Race, because they are easy, visible differences, have been the primary ways of organising human beings into superior and inferior groups and into the cheap labour on which this system still depends. I want to see a society in which there will be no roles other than those chosen, or those earned. What I am really talking about is Humanism
18. "Any new idea, is asked two questions. The first is asked when it’s weak: WHAT KIND OF AN IDEA ARE YOU? Are you the kind that compromises, does deals, accommodates itself to society, aims to find a niche, to survive; or are you the cursed, bloody-minded ramrod-backed type of damnfool notion that would rather break than sway with the breeze? The kind that will almost certainly, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, be smashed to bits; but the hundredth time, will change the world?" "What’s the second question?", Gibreel asked. "Answer the first one first" - My absolute favourite quote from Satanic Verses. I am the latter
19. "The very rich and the very poor make their own rules. The middle class suffers the evils of both sides." - My Grandfather
20. This day, mark it on your calendar. The Chinese Year of The Rat begins on February 8th. 1984, my birth year was also a Rat year. This year, something is going to change, and it's going to change monumentally. I can feel it. Call me stupid, but far too many signs are pointing to this year being MY year. Be Prepared.

Thennadudaya Sivane Pottri

2007-12-29T00:37:00.000-08:00

Ok I am liking this concept of writing out a list of thoughts. Keeps me sane. Therefore, this is the next list.

1. Drumming gives me peace. I'm not exceptionally brilliant at it, but I'm good enough to be in a kick-ass band.
2. I want to spend an entire day sitting and staring at the ocean, marvelling at how it so beautifully mirrors life - calm, choppy, serene and sometimes scary.
3. I am giving up cigarettes as on Jan 2, 2008. Why Jan 2 because 31st night will extend into the first. Technicalities, you see
4. I still miss her. *sheepish grin*
5. I crash and burn very easily. Therefore, I shall not henceforth.
6. I wrote a short film in which there is a line that says "Love is not love until it's both ways" Now I see how stupid I was.
7. I always believed that love is not enough. I was wrong. If you love, the rest will fall into place.
8. Why am I such a sentimental moron.
9. Truth is, I wouldn't have it any other way.
10. Ilayaraja and MSV rule all.
11. My dream is to direct Rajnikanth before I die. Not before he dies - May he live forever.
12. Come to think of it, apart from the financial motivations, apart from the creative streaks, apart from my disdain for corporate life, apart from all that. Why I want so badly to make movies is because people told me I couldn't.
13. Damn I'm such a rebel.
14. Truth is, I wouldn't have it any other way.
15. I will not die before I own ENIL India, or at least sit on the board.
16. MundhiriPakkoda Productions is going to rock the world.
17. I suddenly came up with an alternate name - USP : Usual Suspects Productions. Let's see
18. I love her. I've always gotten over relationships rather easily. But I can't seem to get this one out of my head. That says something.
19....."whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth." ...."And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to acheive it." - The Alchemist
20. Most people think Che was a fool. I think he's a God.
21. "At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love.” - Che Guevara
22. I have learnt in the past two months that it takes more courage, more love, and more of a spine to clear the air with an old friend. Standing your ground and refusing to budge and rebuild a bridge you burnt is actually the spineless thing to do. It's a self-defense mechanism. It's not wrong, but it's not right either.
23. Nothing in life is worth getting a person you love or a person who loves you angry. Yes, I learn late, but I learn :)
24. I am happier than I was a couple of weeks back, and it is because I learnt this much in two months. Whatever had to happen happened because I needed to learn these things. About myself, about the woman I love, and about life in general. Now I need to act on them.
25. And so I set out, on my journey of action. Insha Allah, all will be fine. Actually, come to think of it, I know it will be fine.

Thennadudaya Sivane Pottri

2007-12-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

I just want to rant. I've bottled up a lot of emotions in the past couple of months, and I'm venting now. No boys and girls, I'm not putting up some vulnerable post that people can all have coffee and gossip about, but this is just a list of random thoughts that come into my head, starting now. So here goes:

1. I hate hypocrisy
2. I don't appreciate being blamed for no fault of my own
3. I love my life either way
4. I miss Anjana Iyer
5. Lol, I feel this randomness is not going to last
6. I'm happy I made my stand clear today
7. I'm happy I had the balls to do it
8. I treasure my memories. Viciously so
9. Big FM had the best Rajnikanth birthday promo of all. It ruled
10. I relate to I am Legend - on many levels
11. It's scary what loneliness can do to you
12. Some choices are hard to make, but they have to be made. Pride-swallowing helps you make them
13. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - I don't know why I thought of that
14. Jim Carrey is a God in his own right.
15. God - Thennadudaya Sivane Pottri
16. Anbe Sivam should've been India's entry to the Oscars
17. I wish I could talk to her now
18. I hope she comes back to me
19. No, I'm not being vulnerable, you ignoramus
20. I've got to start writing down the stories I have in my head
21. Maybe that will make the voices go away, too
22. She looked so cute today. Pink looks good on her
23. This is the number of the day in May that she was born
24. Yeah, yeah, I think about her pretty much every waking second
25. I think I should end this with 26
26. Honestly speaking, the only question thus far in my infinitesimal blip of an existence that has given me any joy answering is this - Is she the one? My answer - Undoubtedly, unabashedly, definitely and unequivocally, YES. And somehow, knowing that makes me happy. I pray that she will share my joy soon

signing off,
N

Where Is That Girl? - a message for my Zephyr

2007-11-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

Where is that girl, who used to clap her hands in joy at the thought of meeting me? Where is that girl, whose hair was all was required to make me stare in silence? Where is that girl whose hug could kill all pain, all sorrow, and bring joy to my heart? Where is that girl, for whom talking to me was an addiction, not a chore? Where is that girl, for whom I could gather the stars and hunt down the sun and moon? Where is that girl, who used to dig her head into my shoulder and say nothing, and didn't have to? Where is that girl who could force me into silence with nothing more than a touch? Where is that girl who is like the cool summer breeze, blown in from the sea? Where is my Zephyr? Wherever she is, I hope she is happy. That is all I've ever wanted for her.

As for me, I will live in her memory for as long as I am alive. In my heart, she is mine. And nobody will ever take her place. Ever. And Zephyr, you would not understand why I did the things I did, or said the things I said. Some day you might. Until then, I wait; my heart forever belonging to you.

Amen

Random Musings Again

2007-09-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah, well I've been posting a lot recently about relationships, but that's because I've been thinking about them a lot. Part of it is my inherent interest in psychology, but I think it's mostly my irritating Virgo habit of having to know why we do the things we do. And today's topic isn't very different from my past random musings, but the take is slightly different, in the sense that I will not stick to a set agenda. I am going to write as it comes. So here goes:

How many times have we taken someone for granted, especially over someone whom we know for a much much shorter time? In case that didn't make sense, try this - all of us, when we were kids, were very close to someone, and then when a new kid joined school, we spent all our time with them. Is that wrong? No. But is it clever? No. It is very difficult coping with being ignored, or being traded for someone else. Believe me. I know. For example, someone very dear to me was coming back from out of town recently. This person, whom we shall refer to as "it" from now on was very upset when it landed, although I was on top of the moon because it was back. When I asked it why it was sad, it replied, "I'm missing my friends. I've lived with them for ten days, and so I miss them". That kind of hurt. No, who am I kidding? It hurt a lot. In my head I'm thinking, bloody hell man. These people in ten days have become more important to it than I? I knew in my head that it would not keep in touch with these people the way it swore it would. Surely enough, it hasn't. Observation - I hate it when I'm right.

Doesn't it irk you when loved ones make plans without doing you the least courtesy of at least telling you when the plans were in conception stage? Wouldn't it be nice if we were told, rather than informed? I think so. No complaints, but it just kind of hurts when you're taken for granted. But getting back, I hate it when people whom you've known for a long time choose someone new over you. I just hate it. It devalues and disrespects the entire concept of the relationship you and this person share. I mean, it's all very well when you've spent virtually no time with this person. I very simply mean, its all wonderful when you're in love. Those stolen meetings, those sweet nothings, those melting kisses, all that jazz. But marriage and living together, well that's a completely different ball game. Actually living with someone is the toughest thing you will ever have to do. Tolerating them despite their little idiosyncrasies is very very hard but remember, they do it to. So the next time you're about to judge someone who is slightly "off", think about the things you do. You'll be surprised that a lot of the things you do are not exactly what I'd call "on".

I've actually seen and heard people comparing their boyfriends/girlfriends to their new friend of the opposite sex. Many of them have wondered why their partners aren't like this new friend. Well, friend, that's because you know nothing about this new friend. Ultimately it might even be the fact that this new friend reminds you of the old friend you need to be appreciating that drew you to him/her.

I know I've kept digressing, but here's the deal. Ok, your new friends are amazing, they're out of the world, and we all wish we were like them. But we're not that bad either. Give us the attention we're used to and you'll find that we're not as bad as we seem to have become. The simplest analogy I can provide is this: When we visit friends of our parents, we think that they're so much cooler than our parents. We even wonder why our parents can't be like them. We don't realise two things. #1 - we dont know how uncle and aunty behave when we're NOT around. and #2 - our parents weren't always this boring. They got that way paying our bills.
So stop taking people for granted. Because if you do, almost everyone you know will post an entry like this one.

Cheers,
N

Raging Bull

2007-08-29T04:08:00.000-07:00

Once there lived a raging bull
Who knew no semblance of fear
He fought for what he thought was right
And cared for the ones who were dear

Once there lived a raging bull
Whose hooves could till the earth
His bellow was as loud as a storm
And his charge was feared from birth

Once a cow met this raging bull
And everything changed forever
She calmed him down and taught him love
And peace flowed in him like a river

He no longer was the raging bull
That everyone knew him to be
He devoted his life to the cow he loved
They were happy as far as anyone could see

Every now and then our raging bull
Would buck and bellow and fight
But just one pat of the cow's tender touch
Would calm him down alright

And then, suddenly this raging bull
Was left without his better half
Where, oh where is that raging bull?
All I see now is a little calf

Zephyr

2007-08-28T05:14:00.000-07:00

When I close my eyes I can see only her. Her smile, radiant as the sun. Her long, slender form envelops my being. I am happy when I think of her. Sad when I think of her. Angry when I think of her. Regretful when I think of her. Unknowing, unfeeling I walk on by, until the next time I close my eyes. Whenever I look at a place I've been before with her, a feeling comes over me that I cannot comprehend. I want to go inside and sit in the same place, praying with every fibre that Time consented to move backward for a while, so I could set things right. I want to go inside and sit in the same place and feel the warmth that was once mine own. That embrace which was once mine own, joyfully and freely given to me. That embrace which I have lost. That embrace that I crave, that I need. I wish to God I could never write, because I can write only in pain. I would gladly trade my writing in exchange for peace, for love. Her love. My own one, my Unknown, my Goddess. I see a red door and I want to paint it black. I see colours that have no place in a world where she loathes my very name. I see people happy, and their happiness enrages me. My face contorts in anger, and then subsides. Who am I to feel bad at their delight? They are luckier than I am, and I should thank God that they have that luxury. An ambulance passes, and I pray. I pray that whoever is inside has someone next to him or her who loves him or her. I was foolish, very foolish indeed to think that I deserved love. But, Oh Lord, doesn't even a wretch deserve forgiveness? Isn't there light at the end of every tunnel? Why is it that my light ends up to be a train that runs me over? I close my eyes again, and this time it is on purpose. Somehow I think that punishing myself with pain could somehow absolve my sins. It does not. It never does. I long to go to my great-grandmother - the one person from whom I had last tasted that kind of love - unconditional, non-expecting love. Then I pause to wonder - why am i upset? We are born alone, and we die alone. Nobody will go into my grave but me. When I came into existence and will go out of existence alone, why do I need someone in the interim? Why? The answer is simple. Because I love her. And I will. Always. Even if she does not. She comprises the elements that build my world. Earth, fire, Wind, water and sky. Time is supposed to heal. Why does it not, then? Even if the earth falls out of orbit, if the skies rain blood, if the waters turn into ash and the Wind stops moving, one thing in my world will not change. That one single constant. Her. Her alone. She alone remains in my world. She is my moonflower, my muse, my Zephyr. I was not born to die young, and so I will not end my life. Instead, I will live; live in the hope that someday she understands how deeply hurt I am, and utterly devastated I am that she decided to move away from me. I cannot forget that bond - the bond of love. I cannot. That bond that will forever be mine, and mine alone. That bond, which is like that of the eye and its iris. That bond, which I can never let go of. The simple, yet complicated; tender, yet painful; calm, yet stormy bond of Love.

I will always love you, and only you - my Zephyr

The Forbidden Fruit

2007-08-28T04:51:00.000-07:00

He walks silently, with the grace of a doe
Briliance radiating through his silvery form
Admiring nature's wealth and beauty
Not knowing how he would soon be torn

He looked at the trees, naming them all
Cedar, Neem, Banyan and Teak
His joyous surrounding echoed his thought
As his bliss was at its very peak

Beauty and calm was the order of the day
In that divine Garden of love
Animals and birds, he named with delight
Tiger, Fox, Hawk and dove

A while later he craved a mate
Like all his faunic companions had
A mate who would love and take care of him
In whose embrace he could be glad

And so one was given and he took with glee
Like a child given its very first toy
A few months passed, and their love grew strong
And with it, so did their joy

And then it happened, it came to pass
That his instincts took over his love
His mate disowned him; even abhored him
Gone was that which came from Above

Empty and weary he travels the world
Looking for that which he lost
Mephistopheles had gathered his bounty
The Inferno had claimed its Faust

His soul was shattered, his mind was twisted
As he prayed to God above
Was he damned forever, cursed to never
Taste the Forbidden fruit of Love?

The Inferno - A Vision of Hell

2007-08-27T01:28:00.000-07:00

I had a dream. A very disturbing one. What follows is what I saw. I should have never read The Divine Comedy. What I saw is completely from there. I know that because I have read it many times. I never thought until today that it would haunt me like this. This is a book I'll never read again until I get over this dream/vision. Read on

Abandon All hope,
Ye who enter here
Once you come inside,
Your souls will disappear

Nine circles in all exist
Each with their story to tell
Come and I will show you all
As we descend into Hell

The first circle is Limbo
The home of the virtuous dead
Accept Christ they would not, and so
Heaven did not count their head

The second circle is for the lusty
Blown about by a violent storm
Francesca and Paolo are with the pack
Who in life did not reform

The third circle is for the gluttons
They with insatiable appetite
Rain and hail fall hard on them
As Cerberus watches in delight

The fourth circle is for the materialistic
The hoarders and who squandered well
The weights they push up against each other
Timed by Plutus' mindful bell

The fifth circle is for the wrath-consumed
In the dark Stygian water they are fixed
The agressors ravage each other forever
While the slothful gurgle forever in the Styx

The sixth circle is for the Heretics
Wrapped in violent, flaming tombs
The rejectors of God are forever punish
In the brightly burning catacombs

The seventh circle houses the violent
Divided into three dark rings
Let us go and visit them each
And hear the song each one sings

The first ring is guarded by centaurs
For those who opressed their fellow man
The Phlegethon consumes them to their measure of sin
Its blood boiling for time's entire span

The second ring is for the suicides
Who live as gnarled bushes and trees
In life they sought relief from pain
In death, they are relieved to bleed

The final ring is for the blasphemers and usurers
Who are kept company by sodomites
They reside in a desert of flaming sand
While the sky rains fire with all its might

The next circle is for the fraudulent
The ones who knowingly did harm
Their habitat is divided into ten stone ditches
When we look, try and keep your calm

The first stone block emanates pain
As we see people in two lines
Panderes and Seducers are whipped by demons
As their wounds multiply by nines

The second bolgia houses the flatterers
They who survived spewing lies
They are steeped in excrement forever
And feasted on by a million flies

The third rock is home to the simons
Bribers who paid The Church for their deed
Head first they stand buried in the rock
While a fire dances on the soles of their feet

The fourth ditch is for the false prophets
Whose heads are twisted down their backs
And the fifth is for the barrators who are punished
With boiling tar snce they did honesty lack

The sixth bolgia is the one with Hypocrites
Ambling around with heavy lead cloaks
And the seventh bolgia traps the thieves
Chased by snakes and by hellfire soaked

Bolgia eight is for the fraudulent advisor
Who are now encased in private flames
Bolgia nine is for the sowers of discord
A demon cuts up their bodies over and over again

The ninth circle is the icy pit
Reserved especially for traitors
Sub-zero temperatures torment the inmates
Those twisted and vile berators

Four zones adorn the icy pit
Each group at a different depth
Watching their plight so miserable and painful
Even a fiend like me broke down and wept

Caina is the first zone of four
For traitors to their kith and kin
Immersed in ice upto their necks they are
Measure for measure of their sin

Atenora is the name of zone two
For traitors of political entity
Unbendable necks, blocked by ice
Because they were consumed by their enimity

The third zone bears the name Ptolomaea
The traitors of guests have a lot to fear
The are buried upto their eyes in ice
And the cold freezes their every tear

Judecca is the final zone of all
It is for those betraying their master
The people here are buried completely in ice
Misshapen as though they were melted plaster

At the end of Judecca, I saw a dark figure
Huge and grotesque, yet captivating
Awe and disgust came in wave after wave
Between them, I kept fluctuating

He sat at the center of his dwelling place
Buried waist-deep in the ice
Six eyes, six wings and three heads I saw
Each representing a different vice

His wings beat hard and furiously fast
As he tries to escape his prison
But the harder he tries the more cold it becomes
Pushing him further into oblivion

His three heads chew three different persons
As his tears mix sickeningly with their blood
The Yellow chews Brutus, the Black chews Cassius
While the Red chews Judas; as they bleed a flood

The vision I saw has left me shaken
And chilled me to my very bone
I stood there scared, amazed and helpless
Worst of all, I stood there alone

Random Musings - Sometimes, Love Just Isn't Enough

2007-08-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

Deal with it. Sometimes love just isn't enough to sustain a relationship. Yes, it is the quintessential element in the fabulous cocktail that is a relationship, but thats the point. A relationship is like a cocktail. It needs an alcoholic base (read love) in order to be a cocktail. Otherwise, quite literally, it becomes a MOCKtail. However, all you romantics out there who believe that true love will save the day - WAKE UP!!!! The Eagles were wrong. Love will NOT keep you alive.

A relationship takes a lot of hard work for it to succeed. This is especially true for romantic relationships. It requires sacrifice. It requires compromise. It requires putting the other person in front of you. And most of all, it requires integrity of word and deed. I'm not much of a Gandhian, but that particular phrase - integrity of word and deed - I belive in. If you say something and do something else, the person you're talking to will feel lied to. There's a simple way around this. Its called empathising.

Most people get confused between empathising and sympathising. Lets go linguistically. Sympathy means "having a fellow feeling" or "affected by like feelings," from syn- "together" + pathos "feeling". Empathy, however, is very different. It comes from the translation of the German Einfühlung (from ein "in" + Fühlung "feeling"). It means actually feeling the other person's feelings - their hurt, pain, laughter, sorrow, et al.

Empathy is very important for any relationship to survive. The Good Book tells us to "Love thy neighbour as thyself", to "Judge not, lest thee be judged yourself" and to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Incidentally, the Gita also says these in more or less the same meter, tone and voice. In addition to the aforementioned, the two Books also tell us to forgive and forget. Now there, as the Bard will tell us, lies the rub.

Human beings do not know to forgive and forget. And yes, that includes all of us - yes, yes; Me too. We forgive, but seldom do we forget. This is the scourge of all relationships. When we get cross we dig up all our derogatory graves, and reopen the scabs that are healing with our words. And whoever said "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words cannot harm me" is a FOOL. So before we say what we say, I urge you.....stop for a minute and see whether you'd like to hear what you are about to say if it were being said to you. If you wouldn't, then dont say it.

By that I do not mean to say that we should sugar-coat everything, but as the Buddhha said, find that Golden Mean - the Divine Path. I also do not mean to say we must never say what we want to. Just say it in a pleasing way. Another thing we must do in a relationship is let the other person know what they mean to us, because if they dont, the relationship is dead to begin with. Imagine if you think the person means the world to you, but that person does not even know you care. Not very nice is it?

Here's another reason why relationships fail - LACK OF COMMUNICATION. The inability to communicate is also a detriment. And remember, communication is seriously damaged by non-integrity of word and deed. If your partner, or friend or boyfriend or husband or wife or mother or sister tells you something you did wrong, DO NOT get defensive. They're just venting their frustrations due to your behaviour. You might've been 100% right, but you cannot take away the importance of how they felt and what they felt. And remember this - people may forget what you said, when you said it or where, but they will never forget how they felt when you said it.

So talk to the people you're in a relationship with. There's no point trying to play the oneupmanship game. That helps in sports, and when you're a lawyer. In a relationship, you'll win the argument, but lose the relationship. An observation - non-integrity of word and deed can happen when you contradict yourself just because you want to have the last word in an argument; so beware of that.

If you weren't paying attention thus far, it's alright. But this is the most important part of what I have to say. Everything that was written above is far far easier said than done. Showing the other cheek, empathising; all these are good traits, but they are almost non-existent. So work hard on your relationships - because they're worth it. I know the feeling. I'm in a relationship thats worth every shred of effort involving everything I've written about. And it is by no means easy. Its a daily struggle, but thats the challenge, thats the voyage, thats the journey of love. Oh and last but not least, do yourself a favour and DO NOT ask an outside party for advice on your relationship unless things are way beyond repair (which they never will be if you simply empathise) or the person you are seeking advice from is a professional counsellor. This is simply because your friends will advise you in the way they see fit, and believe me - EVERYONE IS AN EXPERT ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S RELATIONSHIP. Their relationship is probably as screwed up as your own. So talk it out with your partner instead. It will be a wonderful learning experience. And here I use the word partner not as in romantically, but in any relationship because thats what a relationship is - a partnership.

In conclusion, I wish you all the very best in your relationships, and hope and pray that they will be as fruitful as they could ever be. I also pray that each of us will be able to practice what we preach - thats more for myself though :) - and that we will be able to empathise as well as we sympathise.

God Bless

N

Great Expctations

2007-07-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

Life, it appears, is a bitch. No, I'm not being gender biased. It may well be a dog. Dont you hate it when you're taken for granted? When people just assume that just because it's you, they can do what they want and they actually expect you to forgive them. It makes my blood boil every time, but think of it from this way. Can you really blame them? No you cannot.

Pavlov with his dog showed how conditioned learning works. In the same way, people treat us the way they are conditioned to treat us. But here's the catch. Who's doing the conditioning? Its us. We determine how we are treated in the way we behave with and to people. In other words, people will treat you the way you let them treat you.

You cannot behave one way with somebody, and have them treat you in the way they naturally will in response to your behaviour, and then a long time later demand that they change. If you want change, I suggest you change the way you behave first. If you dont, there's going to be no improvement whatsoever and you'll end up more miserable than anyone else.

If you're feeling bad in a relationship - any relatioship. I do not restrict myself to couples - please open your mouths and say something. If that doesn't work, then do unto him like he was doing unto you. Use guile. There's nothign wrong with that. In such situations, if you've got no guile, and no game, you've got no relationship

2007-07-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

Why do I love her? I really dont know. I know its very hard for people to accept me saying that I love someone, especially because I have said it so many times before. I cant give you a list of reasons why I love her. But I can try and describe what I'm thinking.

Most of this she is reading for the first time, so here goes. The first time I saw her, I thought she was an angel. She walked into my life with the effortless ease that a hot knife cuts through butter. I am normally a person that gives no entry into my "world" so to speak to every tom, dick and harry. I found myself telling her things I didn't want to. I found myself wanting to tell her things I didn't want to. In an extremely short time, she became an essential part of my life. Coffee and sandwiches were never the same without her. In fact, they still aren't.

I felt myself feeling stronger and stronger about her everyday, and never admitted it to myself. I kept thinking, "This is HER dammit. She's practically my sibling. Or atleast thats what I keep telling her. How can I ever feel this way for her? No No, leave it". I never imagined that she too would feel the same way for me. One day I worked up the nerve to talk to her about it, and then, under extremely weird and movie-like circumstances, we started going out.

I cannot begin to think of imagining that I can describe how possesive I am of her. This girl is MINE. Every particle of her belongs to me. When she laughs, my world seems right. When she cries, nothing can console me. When she hugs me, I feel peace. She has this uncanny ability of bcoming my mother, sister, wife or friend when the situation calls for it.

This does not mean we have never fought. Of course we have. Like cats and dogs. We've even threatened to leave each other a few times. I know I have, at least. But no matter how huge the fight, no matter how huge the misunderstanding, one hug is all it takes to set things right. This is the only girl I can ever say I'm Sorry to and mean it. Now that I've rambled on a decent bit, I'll just say that I love her, and my life without her makes no sense. Realistically speaking, will I be able to live without her? Of course I will. But do I want to? HELL NO!!! Life is far far better with her in it....no let me correct that. My life is far far better with her AS it. i dont call her Jaan for nothing now do I?

Reality Bites - A series of unfortunate no-rhymers

2007-06-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm fascinated with the dark
I have no idea why
It's not just the colour
It's morbidity
Why should it enamour me so?
Is it the reflection of my life?
Or is it my reaction to the world?
Is it the state of my soul?
Either way, Reality Bites

I love that Rollin Stones Line
"I see a red door and I want to paint it black"
Am I really the hideous monster i'm made out to be?
Or do I make myself out to be that way?
Either way, why do I live up to that image?
Is it because I love the attention?
Is it because I really am that way?
Or is it because I couldnt be bothered to change that image?
Either way, Reality Bites

Every time I fight the darkness in me I succeed
But the success is only short-lived
Am I the only one like this?
Are there others who are as pathetic?
Or do only I say these things out loud?
Personally I dont think I'm that bad
But then why does the world keep telling me I am?
There cant be smoke without fire can there?
Either way, Reality Bites

Maybe I dont keep loved ones happy enough
Maybe I dont practise what I preach
Maybe I expect too much
Maybe I set myself up to fail
Maybe I am wrong more that I'm right
Maybe I dont deserve most of what I have
Maybe I should change
Either way, Reality Bites

Prison of My Mind

2007-04-04T13:19:00.000-07:00

Prisons of smoke, hell's grim confines
No primrose gardens, no flowery lines
The Sword of Damocles did loom up on high
And the Dungeon Scales of Threave; they too were nigh

Memories and guilt rack'd the blaspheming
And whirlwinds belted around the scheming
In the middle of all this, once you did find
Me, in the Prison - The Prison of My Mind

I judged myself and whipped my skin
Till the lashes left marks, both thick and thin
I punished myself and others as well
I condemned us all to the fires of hell

For twenty-two years I lived this way
Tormenting the world, night and day
Was this how I should live my life?
Intending to give bliss but end up giving strife?

My own true Self who was soft and caring
Was guarded by my Other, with fangs baring
I decided to let Me out, and slash my image
So within myself, I did search and rummage

The shallow mask I wore to the world
Melted away as my sins unfurled
I began to live life like I was me
And not who I forced the world to see

I learned to trust, and not mull things over
For too much thought is like a leap from Dover
I love Myself, and this side I will feed
The Prison of My Mind, no more will I need

The 4 Seasons - "Season" 4 - Fear

2007-03-12T02:38:00.000-07:00

I didnt like what i wrote about fear last time......so here is the new version, one that is closer to me than the other one

I sit here silent, quiet and still
Staring at the reflection so thin
If it's so hard to just look at me
How hard is it to look within

What am I really scared of?
Is it fear of what I might find?
The straggly wisps of a sinful past
Loom deep within my mind

I see myself as a weathered tree
Shaped and moulded by life
Whose branches are entangled and coiled
By their own internal strife

We hold on to our past actions
Those terrible wars we've fought
We forget that Time heals everything
And Life connects dot to dot

Potent perception is a useless gift
If you cannot point it inside
The entrails of our soul fear the light
As it approaches, they run and hide

Fear appears when we think it can't
Gnawing its way into our souls
The only way to conquer your fear
Is to look right in at what it holds

Views on Time Travel

2007-01-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

Time-travel has always been a fascination for mankind. We have always in our cultures tried to play god, by wrestling with the amount of control we have over our surroundings. Ever since the concept of time travel was conceived, we have seen it as a means to control our circumstances, or even change them, by changing the cause and thereby the effect. However, there are issues to consider. I intend to talk about time travel, and when time-travel is possible by using the paradoxes involved in time travel, the Novikov principle, seen through the perspective of the butterfly effect.

First of all, let us think about a simple problem. Consider this. You go back in time, and kill your grandfather before he met your grandmother. Now if you did this, you would prevent one of your parents, and by extrapolation, yourself from being born. But if you were never born, how would you travel back in time to cause this event to happen? This is called the grandfather paradox.

Now think of this problem – that of a man who travels back in time to discover the cause of a famous fire. While in the building where the fire started, he accidentally knocks over a kerosene lantern and causes a fire, the same fire that would inspire him, years later, to travel back in time. Here’s another one, that of a man who travels back in time and impregnates his grandmother. She would, as a result, give birth to the man's father, to whom will be born the man himself. This man would have to travel back in time in order to ensure his own existence. This is called the predestination paradox, which is a paradox of time travel that is often used as a convention in science fiction. It exists when a time traveller is caught in a loop of events that "predestines" him or her to travel back in time. This paradox is in some ways the opposite of the grandfather paradox.

A variation on the predestination paradox which involves information, rather than objects, traveling through time is similar to the self-fulfilling prophecy, which is is a prediction that, in being made, actually causes itself to become true. A man receives information about his own future, telling him that he will die from a heart attack. He resolves to get fit so as to avoid that fate, but in doing so overexerts himself, causing him to suffer the heart attack that kills him.

The common thread running through the above three examples is that the normally accepted definition of causality is reversed, wherein the effect becomes the cause of the effect, which is the cause and so on. In the first example, the person would not have traveled back in time but for the fire that he or she caused by traveling back in time. Similarly, in the third example, the man would not have overexerted himself but for the future information he receives. In the second example, the man's very existence would be pre-determined by his time traveling adventure. This also raises the paradox of which came first – the time travel or his existence.

In fiction itself, this concept has been dealt with quite often, most prominent examples being the story of Oedipus Rex and Achilles. Lord Krishna, too is a famous example. In filmdom, I don’t even have to tell you about The Terminator and its sequels, which rely almost totally on this paradox as the centre of their story. One could argue, as many did in the case of the Terminator’s particular paradox, that if the soldier sent back in time did not impregnate Sarah Connor, John Connor would still be born. The very simple counter-argument here is that only if the soldier who came back impregnated her, she would believe what was going to happen in the future and bring her son up, training him to be a fighter.

The “Back To The Future” series also exploits this concept to a huge extent. But here, again, there is a glaring loophole. If the scientist and the boy went to the past and altered something, obviously the boy would be missing in the present. In this case, the altered future would involve another version of the boy, in which case the boy that left to the past is an extra in the space-time continuum. Strange, isn’t it?

Obviously with such buildup about loopholes and paradoxes, one must think I’m getting somewhere. Well, I am. I present to you, the Novikov Self- Consistency Principle. This was postulated by Dr. Igor Novikov in around 1985 to solve, or rather explain the problem of paradoxes in time travel. Simply put, the principle states that any event which could give rise to a paradox exists, then that event has a probability of zero.

To prove his theory, Novikov did not rely upon conventional paradoxes like the grandfather paradox. He relied upon a scenario with a more mathematical/statistical bent. He considered the scenario of billiards ball being fired into a wormhole in such a way that it would go back in time and collide with its earlier self, thereby knocking it off course and preventing it from entering the wormhole in the first place.

It was found during the course of this experiment that there were many trajectories that could result from the same initial conditions. For example, the billiard ball could knock itself only slightly astray, resulting in its going into the past slightly off course, which results in its earlier self only being deflected slightly. He found that this “sequence” of events which is actually a causal loop (read predestination paradox) is completely consistent, and does not result in a paradox. Further, he saw that the probability of such consistent events was nonzero, and the probability of inconsistent events was zero, so no matter what a time traveller might try to do he/she will always end up accomplishing consistent non-paradoxical actions. In other words, no action a time-traveller takes will significantly alter the course of history.

Now getting back to our discussion. The Novikov principle, however, makes an assumption that only one timeline can exist, or as a corollary, multiple timelines cannot be accessed. However, this does not make total sense, because when the time-traveller returns from his travels to the same timeline, he will have returned, in the event of a single timeline, in a changed state, albeit minor. This is where the butterfly effect comes in. But before that, let us lay down the logic. If the traveller comes back changed, there are a few things to be considered. First of all, if he has changed, he has to have an innate knowledge of where exactly he will return, this knowledge caused by the events he has undergone himself after the point in time he changed. This, again, is absurd because the human mind can know based only on what it has seen or atleast perceived. Thus, this kind of knowledge would, if at all existent, be deeply subconscious and incapable of manifesting itself in the short while that it takes for the traveller to return.

Second of all, when the time-traveller left, he would have left a life behind. Now, one timeline seems to explain that he merely comes back and takes his place in the timeline after this travels. However, once you think about it, it seems absurd, because once the time travel is over, who exactly takes the place? Is it th entity who traveled back in time and changed something, or is it the entity who grew up through time? To make things clearer, let us involve the Novikov principle in an example. Suppose I realise I would like to see myself when I’m fifteen and travel back in time and do so. Thus, a distinct memory has to be implanted in my 15-year-old mind about seing myself and how I would look from the future, when I’m 22 (scary thought that is). So now when I come back to the present, would I still see myself, that 15 year old, who has grown to be 22, or has time frozen, waiting for me to come back and resume functioning, or will things just be normal? The entire proposition seems to ambiguous, since it stands to reason that once time-travel is introduced, the traveller begins to exist, outside time.

Moreover, the Noviko principle only seems to be covering its tracks when it says that no matter what action the traveller takes, nothing significant will happen changing the course of time. This is where, as I said earlier, the butterfly effect comes in. The butterfly effect is a phrase that encapsulates the more technical notion of sensitive dependence on initial conditions in chaos theory. Small variations of the initial condition of a dynamic system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system. Essentially, if crossing a street when I was 16 was prevented, I might be in a very different position than I am today. In other words, and on a more philosophical note, everything is relevant to everything else. The concept refers to the idea that a butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that ultimately cause a tornado to appear (or, for that matter, prevent a tornado from appearing). The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale phenomena.

Given a system and a large enough time frame, slight variations in the initial conditions can cause huge variations in later conditions in the system. Now, the novikov principle suggests that only minute changes are possible in time travel, but the net result cannot be avoided, as per laws of probability. My major argument against that is that initial conditions do play a huge role. Moreover, not many real-life phenomena subscribe to probabilistic laws. For example, the binomial theorem in probability says that there is equal probability of heads and tails occuring on a toss. However, this does not mean that in 100 tosses, there will be 50 heads and 50 tails. Such an event is extremely rare, so much so that it might be a poisson event. Thus I state that the butterfly effect holds good.

There is another point I’d like to make. I would say that time travel is unambiguous and feasible only if there exist parallel universes and multiple timelines. Only if we find a way to transverse universes and timelines can time-travel be possible. What I mean is when you travel back in time and kill your grandfather, you do so in (or your actions result in the creation of) a parallel universe in which you will never be conceived as a result. However, your existence is not erased from your original universe. Thus, after the time travel is over, the act of the completed journey results in you returning to another parallel universe, where you resume life as before, without any hiccups. Another possibility is, along the lines of David Deutsch, that if backwards time travel is possible, it should result in the traveler ending up in a different branch of history than the one he departed from. This view could subscribe to the Novikov principle in that no significant change can be made to a timeline, if the change maker is from that timeline. However, a parallel universe and thus a parallel timeline can be changed by one who is not from that timeline.

This makes perfect sense logically, but is this practically possible? It is a widely regarded theory that trvelling back in time means travelling faster than light. However, I don’t believe this to be the case, since travelling faster than light very simply means you ge to see things before others do, and is not actual time-travel. Thus, I subscribe to the views I have put down here, and further state that such technological advancements might not be round the corner, and don’t seem likely, but then again, when Jules Verne wrote about the Nautilus in 20000 Leagues Under The Sea, submarines did not exist. Will man ever time-travel? It is unlikely, but as the saying goes, you never know. Only Time will tell.

Ramblings Of A Weary Traveller

2006-11-17T14:15:00.000-08:00

Prose after a long time, but I have a point to make.

It's true. Love is god. No, i do not mean the love a couple share. However, that too is incorporated in what I'm saying. Love - unconditional true Love, which is rare, IS God.

I am a rebel spritualist. I refuse to conform to the norms of any religion. I believe there is a God who watches over us. To a certain extent, I agree with the Hindu notion of a Jeevatma and a Paramatma which are two entities but are made up of the same essence. I believe God resides in each of us. We are born divine - Deities, each of us. We lose track of that along the way because we listen to the unenlightened.

We, in today's world have learnt how to make a living, but forgotten how to live. We justify the loss of others with our gain. How sad is that? We - at least some of the privileged ones - do not even stand in queue to visit the Gods we worship. We get "special darshan". We sin all we want, and then perform a few Pujas and give temples money in the fervent hope that God will forgive us and make everything right. Well, any God that functions like that is not God. That kind of entity is a coolie - a labourer who works because he is given money. Now answer me this - is this the kind of belief system we should build our society on? Do a kubera puja, you will be rich. perform a sumangali puja, your husband will live long. I mean, what the hell man......

Life goes way beyond material success, but we seem to have forgotten that. Like I said, we have learnt how to make a living, but forgotten how to live. There are more houses in the world today, but fewer families. We are so caught up in the concept of the "individual" that we forget the spark of divinity within us. It should manifest itself within us in the form of love. More often than not it does, but we tend to ignore it. This happens because the spiritual side of us needs nourishing, but we....well, we dont feed it. And please do not misunderstand. By saying spiritual I do not mean we pray and that feeds it. Prayer is futile without action. I will even go as far as saying do not pray, but compensate for that with action. In my opinion, the idol that cannot wipe the tears of the devotee praying before it is not worth praying to.

How many times have you cried for the death of a friend, even if he/she wasn't all that close to you? How many times have you sacrificed your lunch for a friend? How many times have you smiled in the full satisfaction that you have helped somebody else? Compare these numbers with the number of times you have chanted the mahamantra, or sung hymns and said hallelujah. If the latter is greater than the former, then quite frankly, it doesnt make a difference whether you are alive or not.

If you cannot make a difference to people's lives, what in God's name are you doing here? The secret to life is not how far you get, but how many people you help get along their journey. Travel further not just for yourself, but also to help more people. I know I'm sounding like an idealist, but i have been enlightened, and I have sworn an oath to myself that I am never going to be the same. The difference in me will not be in my salary, or my grades, or the number of friends I have. It will not be in how influential I am, how successful I am or how I have made it big in life by any parameter. It will simply be in how much use I am to others. I vow that I will make a difference to the lives of people. Maybe not a lot of people, but more than i make a difference to now anyway.

I have taken the first step towards being the God I was born as. Now you look within yourself - can you find the spark within you? Do you have the faith to embrace the powers you were born with? Look within, and maybe....just maybe you will see that the force is not with you, it is IN you.

The 4 Seasons - "Season" 4 - Fear

2006-11-03T01:29:00.000-08:00

Standing at the edge of a cliff
About to take the plunge
Wondering if the future will
My past deeds expunge

I feel a tingling, a stir within
A completely new emotion
Hitherto I had not known fear
For which I was my own devotion

As I walked into that ominous room
My whole life before me
I realised this was not in my power
And that thought unnerved me

Twenty minutes, and they were done
Like a train they ran me over
I didnt see light at the end of my tunnel
For me there was No Leaf Clover

A little while later, I was informed
That I had filled the position
Floods of relief swept over me
To put me in sunny disposition

Only I will know the Fear I felt
The shudders and the recurring pangs
For Life is what happens to us
When we're busy making other plans

Fear is the essence of the Human Soul,
And some learn to hide it well
I saw that only if you care, you feel Fear
And that is Life, in a nutshell

I know this isnt as dark as the others, but what the hell, this is the only major fear I felt. Hopefully my writing skills haven't left me along with the darkness

Cheers

The 4 Seasons - "Season" 3 - Loneliness

2006-09-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

He watches the sun burn down the west
And he lets his mind dwell on the past
His memory drifts back thousands of years
To a time where he thought it would all last

At that time, he thought he had it all
A wife, a son, a beautiful home
Work was aplenty and so was love
Now all lay scattered, shrouded and torn

How ironic that life was his curse
He was doomed to exist forever
Life after life he embodies and lives
Detesting his lonely endeavour

Alone he is, and alone he lives
Every relationship is fleeting
The sinews of his shadowy heart
Grow weary with every beating

Onward he moves, living his life
Emptiness gnawing at his soul
No way to end his cursed life
The bells of infinity take their toll

Loneliness is a cancer that grows witin
Eating into our flesh with relish
Fire and brimstone lack its wrath
Reducing us to the state of the hellish

The 4 Seasons - "Season" 2 - Envy

2006-09-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

Green is the feral glow in his eyes
As He stalks his unwary prey
With the stealth of a cat He moves
He will take what she has today

His body tingles at the mere thought
Of what he will possess after
He craves the periphery of her form
At the vision, He supresses His laughter

He stops her, requesting for help
"My arm is broken", He says
Unsuspecting, the young girl obliges
Oh what a price, she pays

A sickening thud pierces the night
She falls down, blank
A quadruped silently watches her body
As He drags it into His van

It is finished, the job is done
He is wearing that which He craved
Next morning, another Skin He sees
Arouses His desire depraved

We covet what we see everyday
Green desire within us will burn
Envy rips us right to the bone
Our very sanity it doth govern

The 4 Seasons - "Season" 1 - Anger

2006-09-04T04:47:00.000-07:00

It starts slowly, deep within
From the very depths of the soul
The twisted sinews of a heart wounded
Unhealing scars that take their toll

Blades flashing, the oppresors ravag'd
As he stood helplessly watching
The behemoths smiled with blood-stained teeth
As he felt in his veins the boiling

He shudders at the memory
Of the pain, blood and gore
A blood-curling vengeance takes shape in his mind
He will leave them tattered and torn

He feels not the pool of blood
In which he was left to die
A grim smile spreads over his lips
At the knowledge that he will survive

Strange how Anger gives us strength
In times when all goes wrong
'Tis anger that lends the tune
And meaning to life's morbid song

The 4 Seasons

2006-09-04T04:33:00.000-07:00

This is a short introductory passage to present to you all, "The 4 Seasons".....

I'm writing what I consider my Magnum Opus. Antonio Vivaldi wrote a series of concertos called The 4 Seasons, exploiting the violin to the extent humanly possible. I am writing a series with the same name, dealing with four emotions. Its a poetic tribute to Emotion in itself, but you know me, I write only dark stuff so my four seasons are nothing but 4 emotions which are Anger, Envy, Loneliness and Fear.

What I am doing is writing four separate poems, and therefore four separate stories which have these emotions linked to them. the last stanza of each poem will explain what role the emotion plays in the story, so to speak. The first one will be on my favourite emotion, Anger......From there, lets see where it goes.....

Cheers

Love.......Again

2006-07-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

Screaming in pain,
I lay on the barren land
Wounds inflicted upon my head
My heart and hands
Screaming in vain,
I lay under the scorching sun
Nobody came, Nobody came

It was then i swore
Never to love again
Never to give my heart away
Never inflict myself with pain
Those words i engraved upon my heart
and my heart began to say:
Nobody enter, Nobody enter

But then out of the shadows
There came one so fair
This one was different
If she were not mine, my heart would tear

At the memory of her deep brown eyes
my pen bleeds on this white sheet
I took a sip of that beautiful smile
I never knew venom would taste so sweet

I fought, Oh how hard I fought
I did not want to fall in love
Didn't want to wear a crown of thorns
After being blessed by the Holy Dove

I tried to outrun love
I tried to run away
I tried to jump the great abyss
But miserably did I fail

This world is spinning around me
Her beautiful face is all I can see,
Her beautiful voice is all I can hear,
And upon my cheek falls one happy tear

I dont know if this will last
Or if ever she'll be mine
I dont even know if I deserve
This Godess, this creature Divine

All I know now is love
And peace enveloping me
Even if she is never mine,
She'll always be a part of me

Happy Birthday

2006-05-03T01:50:00.000-07:00

He hates parties
Especially the birthday variety
They make him feel the opposite
Of what they should.
He sees the cake, the happy family
The perfect home,
The smiles, the presents
All reminding him he has none

A bitter world
A bitter, cruel world
Full of venom, full of emptiness
The faces laugh at him mockingly
Their laughter muffled when they see him
Their faces stop when they see him
He doesnt want their pity
He doesnt want their crippled sympathy

Everytime they laugh he thinks
Of a time his world sounded like theirs
Full of laughter, full of fun
Now however, only emptimess, only pain
Memories die, echoes fade and he's dragged back to reality
Looking around, familiar sounds, without the warmth he craves
Strange how laughter looks like crying with no sound
He leaves, hating parties even more

Rage Redux

2006-04-25T00:31:00.000-07:00

Blurred images, hazed vision
Searing heat rips open my head
Azure dreams that breed division
All the time, I'm seeing red

Dying swans, twisted wings
Beauty not needed here
I feel like I am seeing things
And sold my soul to fear

Black hot fire, street desire
Rips the bones from my flesh
Like a ird inside a twisted spire
I feel like I'm fighting barbed mesh

Why am I meant to face this alone
Asking the question time and again
For my sins I have to atone
But dont judge me after I repent

From Raindrops to a Rainbow

2006-04-19T23:31:00.000-07:00

Sitting at my window, I watch the rain fall
Admiring the beauty, my senses enthralled
Raindrops touch my skin, I try to wipe them in vain
Raindrops taste just like tears without the pain

The rain so gentle, calm, docile
It can never harm - never be vile
Spreading across a lush green field
It falls from its dark water vapourous shield

All of a sudden, the skies further darken
I sit bewildered, my cheeks now starkened
Lightening flashes and thunder shouts loud
Frey unleashing his fury all around

Maybe the rain has a message after all
There is the rise, and then there is the fall
Life and the rain are similar in construction
With every birth hand in hand with destruction

I stoped to muse about the point of it all
Why does one live, and go through it all
The answer came to me, in one bended blow
I looked and lo behold! - I saw A Rainbow

The answers to life and its mystery
Lie not at the end, but in the journey
So finally, my friends, my love, my all
Like the rain we must live, and like it, we must fall

A Change Of Seasons

2006-02-25T02:13:00.000-08:00

If you think this is inspired by Dream Theater, well you're right... I was reading the lyrics of the song Change of Seasons by them and man it's amazing. Very few American bands have meaningful lyrics and this is definitely one of them...So here it is:

A Change Of Seasons

I remember a time
My frail, virgin mind
watched the crimson sunrise
Imagined what it might find
Life was filled with wonder
I felt the warm wind blow
I must explore the boundaries
Transcend the depth of winter's snow
Innocence caressing me
I never felt so young before
There was so much life in me
Still I longed to search for more
But those days are gone now
Changed like a leaf on a tree
Blown away forever
into the cool autumn breeze
The snow has now fallen
and my sun's not so bright
I struggle to hold on
with the last of my might
In my den of inequity
viciousness and subtlety
struggle to ease the pain
struggle to find the sane
Ignorance surrounding me
I've never been so filled with fear
All my life's been drained from me
The end is drawing near....

'Carpe diem, seize the day'

I'll always remember
The chill of November
The news of the fall
The sounds in the hall
The clock on the wall ticking away
'Seize the Day'
I heard him say
Life will not always be this way
Look around
Hear the sounds
Cherish your life while you're still around

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying."

We can learn from the past
But those days are gone
We can hope for the future
But there may not be one
The words stuck in my mind
alive from what I've learned
I have to seize the day
To home I returned
Preparing for her flight
I held with all my might
Fearing my deepest fright
She walked into the night
She turned for one last look
She looked me in the eye
I said, 'I Love You...Good-bye'

"It's the most awful thing you'll
ever hear."
"If you're lying to me..."
"Oh, you dearly love her."
"...just have to leave... all our lives."
"Seize the day!"
"Something happened.
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."
"She was killed."

So far or so it seems
All is lost with nothing fulfilled
Off the pages and a T.V. screen
Another world where nothing's true
Tripping through the life fantastic
Lose a step and never get up
Left alone with a cold blank stare
I feel like giving up
I was blinded by a paradise
Utopia high in the sky
A dream that only drowned me
Deep in sorrow, wondering why
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Then string him up for all the world to see
I'm sick of all you hypocrites
holding me at bay
And I don't need your sympathy
to get me through the day
Seasons change and so can I
Hold on Boy, No time to cry
Untie these strings, I'm climbing down
I won't let them push me away
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Now it's time for them to deal with me

I'm much wiser now
A lifetime of memories
run through my head
They taught me how
for better or worse, alive or dead
I realize there's no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track

I sit down with my son
Set to see the Crimson Sunset
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
Many years have come and gone
I've lived my life, but now must move on
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
He is my only one
Now that my time has come
Now that my life is done
We look into the sun
'Seize the day and don't you cry,
Now it's time to say good-bye
Even though I'll be gone,
I will live on, live on.'

What a song!!!!! Kudos to Mike Portnoy. he's the drummer of the band and he wrote the lyrics for the song....

Pain

2006-02-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

Here I stand all alone
Have my mind turned to stone
Have my heart filled up with ice
To avoid Its breaking twice

Thanks to you, my dear old friend
But you can't help. This is the end
Of a tale that wasn't right
I won't have no sleep tonight

It's alright, we'll stay friends
Trusting In my confidence
And Iets say it's just alright
You wont sleep alone tonight

With my heart, with my soul
Some guys cry you bought and sold
They've been strong, young and bold
And they say, play this song again

In my heart, in my soul
I really hate to pay this toll
Should be strong, young and bold
But the only thing I feel is pain

Rage

2006-02-10T10:58:00.000-08:00

I've given everything
With nothing in return
I'm filled with images
That play on every word
No-one to tell me
There's a cloud before my eyes
Not only broken,
I don't know the reason why

This endless sea of tears
The feeling that I'll drown
I'd try to catch them
But they're sure to touch the ground
My world of emptiness
A child without a toy
Forgiving anything
Restore me to my joy

I really dunno where that one came from...i'm just angry i guess.. hehe

Rudra and the Tandava

2005-11-13T11:11:00.000-08:00

Lord Shiva has this knack of inspiring awe in most people and thats what He does to me every time I think of Him. He with his matted locks, blazing third eye and fierce temper reminds me that good too has power.In Indian mythology,Lord Shiva is considered as the supreme lord of dance. This divine art form is performed by Lord Shiva & his wife Goddess Parvathi. The Dance performd by Lord Shiva is known as Tandava, which depicts his violent nature as the distructor of the universe. The tandava performed with joy is called Ananda Tandava and performed in violent mood is called Rudra Tandava. There are 7 types of Tandava. Namely Ananda Tandava, Tripura Tandava, Sandhya Tandava, Samara Tandava, Kaali tandava, Uma Tandava and Gauri Tandava. There are few people who believa that there are 16 types of Tandava. Tandava has vigourous, brisk movements.The dance performed by Goddess Parvathi is known as Lasya, in which the movements are gentle, graceful and sometimes erotic also. Some scholars call Lasya as the feminine version of Tandava. Lasya has 2 kinds. Jarita Lasya and Yauvaka Lasya.

My main focus this time is on the Rudra Tandava. To me, the Rudra Tandava is the absolute embodiment of love. The dance is performed by Rudra carrying in his arms his lifeless wife Sati. The Rudra Tandava is the dance of destruction. It was performed then by the dread Lord, in my opinion, as a statement as if to say that a world not having his wife in it does not deserve to exist. That is love. To be precise, that is the channeling of anger into love. This, I must confess, is my ultimate goal in life - to infuse anger into everyday emotion and, at the same time, control it. It might sound weird to most people, but to those who understand what I'm trying to say, you should be feeling a warm glow inside you right about now.

Shiva is Kala, 'The Black One' 'Time'; but he is also Maha Kala, 'Great Time', 'Eternity'. As Nataraja, King of Dancers, his gestures, wild and full of grace, precipitate the cosmic illusion; his flying arms and legs and the swaying of his torso produce – indeed, they are – the continuous creation-destruction of the universe, death exactly balancing birth, annihilation the end of every coming-forth. The choreography is the whirligig of time. History and its ruins, the explosion of suns, are flashes from the tireless swinging sequence of the gestures. In the medieval bronze figurines, not merely a single phase or movement, but cyclic rhythm, flowing on and non in the unstayable, irreversible round of the Mahayugas, or Great Eons, is marked by the beating and stamping of the Master's heel. But the face remains, meanwhile, in sovereign calm. Shiva is the personification of the Absolute, particularly in its dissolution of the universe. He is the embodiment of Super-Death. He is called Yamantaka – 'The Ender of the Tamer' , He who conquers and exterminates Yama the God of Death, the Tamer. Shiva is Maha-Kala, Great Time, Eternity, the swallower of Time, swallower of Ages and cycles of ages. Shiva is apparently, thus, two opposite things, archetypal ascetic, and archetypal dancer. On one hand , he is Total Tranquility – inward calm absorbed in itself, absorbed in the void of the Absolute, where all distintions merge and dissolve, and all tensions are at rest. But on the other hand, he is Total Activity – life's energy, frantic, aimless, and playful and sometimes, ANGRY as hell.

I've always been fascinated by the enigma that is Shiva. Though He is a God, He is probably the most human god of them all. He is the outcast one, the black sheep, sometimes called the God of Marijuana. Ridiculed by others for the majority of His existence, the Supreme Yogi takes it in His stride and continues His dance - the dance of creation; the dance of destruction - for creation and destruction are inseperable entities. And during the course of His dance He also helps those who come to Him requesting for help. Case in point is the story behind His name Neelakantha. Anyone who has ever been hurt by anyone else can identify with the Cosmic Dancer. His dance is testimony to his spirit - unyielding, resilient, arrogant, yet benevolent. I would like to end this with a simple incantation praising the name of He Who Walks Amongst Ashes. Om Namah Shivayah. May His spirit be with you.

The Healing

2005-04-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

He stood riveted, shocked and still
With the wind whipping behind him.
The biting stench of regret and hate
The only company beside him.

Regret looked at him laughingly
While hate stood contra benign.
And they both mocked and prodded him
In a cruel pantomime.

His eyes were faint, he began to ebb;
His strength was failing him.
His heart could not bear the pain
His company was causing him.

Then out of nowhere he saw
From the corner of his eye,
She was walking slowly toward him
And he heaved a relieved sigh.

She had come! She had come at last,
To heal and set him free.
She was the one who could pull him away
From all the cosmic debris.

They fused and became as one,
And his company was her alone.
All the pain and hate and regret
Became as good as unknown.

He loved her and she loved him back;
To each other alone they cleaved.
From now on and forever more
He was completely healed.

Rambling while following the Alchemist

2005-03-31T22:16:00.000-08:00

I read The Alchemist today - for probably the 100th time. its a brilliant book. while reading that book, i found myself. most people i know who've read the book say that its too dry for their liking. well, different strokes for different folks. Paulo Coelho came up with a winner - a magical fable about following your dream - and i am here to encourage people to do exactly that.

to have a dream is a great thing. dreams are the very stuff we are made of. the dreams we have reflect our deepest longings and desires. they create in us the will to succeed. the trick is to not let your dream turn into a nighmare. for that to happen, well, we have to use our minds.

everyday life is evidence of the power of the human mind. human beings, by virtue of being human beings, are endowed with a powerful thing called the mind. most people mistake displays of this power for coincidence. when you think of someone and the person calls, its not just by chance that he/she called. its because we are all connected at a very subconscious level. to quote john travolta in phenomenon, "we're all made of the same stuff - energy". and its from that energy that our minds derive their power.

everything we want in life happens twice, or atleast it should. the first time is in our minds, when we actually visualise what the actual result of our wants would be, and the second time is in reality. the difference between wanting something and actually achieving that want is purely desire. you just have to want it so damn bad that it consumes your very being. it could be anything - from a new bike, to admission at IIM-A, to whatever else. but there lies the problem.

with the dream comes the fear of failure. fear of people laughing at us when we fail. the problem is with the fact that most people are too scared to dream and when they cross that hurdle, their demon becomes doubt. faith is among the many things that binds us. it gives us reason to be. most people dream, and then say, "thats never gonna happen". its that kind of thought pattern that causes failure. when you do anything, you must believe in what it is that you are doing. the entire world might be against you, but if YOU believe, then its absolutely fine.

we live in a cynical, hypocritical world. that is a sad, but true fact of life. and try as you might, you can never please the masses. the best we can do is to please ourselves, and the select few who we know will stand by us. so dream, follow your dream, and have a ball achieving your dream. May the force be with you all........

Startup

2005-03-30T09:53:00.000-08:00

Hello all... this is my first blog entry ever, so kindly forgive anything which could be deemed unfit.... Since i fancy myself as a bit of a poet, i would like to begin my blogging journey with a poem i wrote a long time ago, for a friend of mine.....so here goes nothing....

Her Dilemma

All her fears slowly came
Creeping up behind her.
She was scared that they would all
Rush up on her and find her.

She lived in the comfortable
Warmth of her abstract.
She did not want him to invade
Her heart's forbidden tract.

Her dilemma was not at all
About what she had to do.
Her dilemma was all about
What she was not to do.

She denied her true feelings
Thinking them to be untrue.
Her mind and her emotions
Swirled like some strange brew.

Her silence he accepted,
But it was what he could not bear.
He thought she felt the same way,
His heart her stillness did tear.

What could have been was not
And what should not have been was.
The result of her dilemma was that
She knew what she had lost.

so there... that was Her Dilemma. its a bit juvenile, but hey...its my first time...and it was written a long time ago...Now, some credit is to be given where it is due....

Meghna, thanks for everything....u know what u did... for those who dont know meghna, pay no attention...its better u don't...